Author Topic: The Scourge, The Enemy  (Read 12212 times)

{H}Kael_Thas

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The Scourge, The Enemy
« on: May 06, 2009, 01:25:34 am »
   As he walked along the seemingly never-ending corridor leading to the Advanced Tactical Combat Simulator, Private Stephen Oda wished that he had never joined the Marine Corps in the first place.   A new recruit of seven days, nothing had gone well for Oda.   On the first day of training, he had accidently  tripped a wire that caused the whole training facility to lose power for three days.   On the second day, he almost took off the head of one of his peers with a hacksaw.   On the third day, while chasing an expensive bullet cartridge rolling on the floor, he had whacked his Sergeant in the stomach with the butt of his rifle.   Why was I even carrying a rifle anyways, thought Oda.   Nevermind that.   Best to just focus on the intensity of the next training program

   The Advanced Tactical Combat Simulator, or ATCS, was not famously known around the universe as a friendly playground for goody two-shoes Marines.   It was known as the most intense, most physically challenging, and most mind-blowing training program ever designed for mankind.   The survivors—usually just a few—were so mentally destroyed that they could not function properly for about a few weeks.   But the result was definitely worth it.   The survivors of the ATCS became two times stronger, two times faster, two times smarter than the others.   The change was so definite that it lasted their whole lifetime.   ATCS survivors have been known to be able to lift trucks at the age of 70*.

   Thinking about that particular aspect of surviving the ATCS, Private Oda's hopes were raised.   The girls'll love me even more, he said to himself with a smirk.   But that smirk instantly disappeared with the automatic opening of the two double doors that led to the terrifying combat simulator. 

   The bright light of the sun blasted Private Oda in the face.   He raised a hand to shield his eyes, and looked around.   He saw orange dirt, a big bunker building, and an electrical fence.   Didn't look all that hard.   He lowered his hand, and as his eyes adjusted to the light, he noticed something: there was no one here.   Surely he would be tested against other soldiers, wouldn't he? That's what the survivors had said! Two teams fighting against each other, the goal being to destroy the other's base.   Whatever the “base” was supposed to be. 

   A laser came out of nowhere and locked itself on to Oda's armour.   Thinking that it was the light of a sniper rifle scope, he quickly jumped out of the way.   To his surprise, the laser followed him and kept amazingly still.   That sniper must be a god at sniping, he thought to himself.   He braced himself for the bullet that would take his life—

   And nothing happened.   Oda opened his closed eyes, and saw that instead of killing him, the laser had painted a bright blue symbol on his armour over his heart.   It looked like an eagle, with wings spread out, talons clutching a quiver of arrows.   Now where had he seen that before.  .  .  .  .  .  of course, he realized.   It's our country's quarter.   So now he was on the blue team.   How ironic; blue was his least favourite colour. 

   All of a sudden, the ground beside him exploded.   Private Oda was shaken out of his daydreaming and also shaken out of his wits.   He heard an automatic rifle to his right, and almost immediately the ground blew up again, but this time closer to him.   Oh God, he thought, someone's trying to kill me! He instantly took off and ran for his life in whatever direction seemed logical.   Unfortunately nothing seemed logical at this point.   Terrified, Oda seemed to be running around in circles.   Good thing the rifle had stopped shooting. 

   Stopping, Oda crouched down to catch his breath.   It was then he noticed a shadow looming over him.   All spirits dashed, he looked up, frightened, into the face of a soldier wearing an armour piece, pointing a M16 at him.   This would have been fine, except for one small detail.   This particular soldier was wearing a red eagle emblem. 

END OF CHAPTER 1

Chapter 2
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=10993.0

NOTES:
I know that this chapter is kinda.  .  .  well.  .  .  .  "not exciting," but I promise, there's more to come.   The reason why I didn't add on this chapter was because I know, from experience, that people (especially around the video game forums) don't like to read walls of text.   And a written story, IS a huge wall of text.   So I try to keep it short, while putting as much action in it as I can. 

Peace,
Kael'Thas

*It was [also] said [that] the survivors of ATCS emerged almost 9000 times better at camping than they had been previously.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2009, 01:27:07 am by {H}Kael_Thas »

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2009, 03:58:32 am »
Good I guess except for one thing. Have you played tremulous? (aka m16? H v H?)


Also lol@atcs making you better, I wrote you a new line:

"It was said the survivers of ATCS emerged almost 9000 times better at camping than they had been previously."

Please add.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

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{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2009, 04:51:47 am »
lol, ok I will add that.  and to answer your previous question. . . . .

Yes, I have played tremulous before.  The reason why it is Human vs Human is because that's the setting for the story and plot.  You'll understand in chapter 2.  And the M16 is my definition of the rifle in tremulous.

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2009, 04:54:07 am »
Well the m16 is not the tremulous rifle. The m16 is outdated today.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

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your face

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2009, 04:59:12 am »
Very nice!

The survivors—usually just a few—were so mentally destroyed that they could not function properly for about a few weeks.

Definitely can't argue with that after I'm through playing ATCS! ;D
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{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2009, 05:17:22 am »
Well the m16 is not the tremulous rifle. The m16 is outdated today.

yea, well, who cares. It's just a story. Are you this picky about small problems all the time?

and scratch that thing I wrote about it all making sense in chapter 2. The storyline is deeper than I thought......

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2009, 05:38:48 am »
When it is so obvious and correctable in a work of fiction, yes. A good author does not look for excuses not to edit. Should you also call tyrants "big meanies" because it is not a big deal?
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

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{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2009, 05:45:23 am »
ugh....fine, fine, I won't argue. I'll work on changing it next chapter, but for now can you please just enjoy the work?

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2009, 05:58:16 am »
I did. And I continue to enjoy it by giving feedback to allow others to improve upon their works. If you are not open to suggestions than fine, I won't bug you any more, but most writers like (or at least apprecite) feedback and comments on their work.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

~Mooseberry.

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2009, 06:53:54 am »
to tell you the truth, I appreciate the feedback. It's just me. I turn everything into an insult  ;)

Kaleo

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2009, 08:41:19 am »
For future reference, it's the mighty Tumbo 66; Destroyer Of Worlds.
Quote from: Stannum
Thou canst not kill that which doth not live,
but you can blow it into chunky kibbles!
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Archangel

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Re: The Tumbo, The Rifle
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2009, 09:16:33 am »
maybe if your details were slightly more accurate you'd have people criticize you less  :police: :police:

your face

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2009, 05:31:29 pm »
Are you this picky about small problems all the time?
Yes, yes he is. ;D
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{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Tumbo, The Rifle
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2009, 10:14:32 pm »
maybe if your details were slightly more accurate you'd have people criticize you less  :police: :police:

of course I would add more details, but that would mean a bigger wall of text....

and by the way, Chapter 2 is ready. posting now.

Kaleo

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Re: The Tumbo, The Rifle
« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2009, 01:28:45 am »
maybe if your details were slightly more accurate you'd have people criticize you less  :police: :police:

of course I would add more details, but that would mean a bigger wall of text....

Have you ever read a book? That's a wall of text, and they do that professionally.

You can't write a story and omit essential details, or say "screw description".
Quote from: Stannum
Thou canst not kill that which doth not live,
but you can blow it into chunky kibbles!
I has a cookie, and u can has a cookie, but i no givs u mai cookie...

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #15 on: May 07, 2009, 06:33:15 am »
please read the little quota I wrote about video gamers and walls of text

Ellohir

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #16 on: May 07, 2009, 10:24:48 am »
Why the fck do you use FOUR SPACES to separate phrases? It annoys me a lot.

PS: The text wasn't bad.

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #17 on: May 07, 2009, 05:47:10 pm »
I'm using four spaces to seperate paragraphs? I didn't know that! maybe it's because my OS is not Windows....(Linux Ubuntu)

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #18 on: May 07, 2009, 06:39:31 pm »
Uhm...
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

~Mooseberry.

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #19 on: May 07, 2009, 10:57:25 pm »
(to explain): I'm not using microsoft word. I'm using OpenOffice.org Word Processor, so the formatting might be a bit different. Or it could be that I'm being stupid and not knowing what you guys are talking about.

your face

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #20 on: May 07, 2009, 11:15:23 pm »
I think he means after each period.
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UniqPhoeniX

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #21 on: May 08, 2009, 12:45:09 am »
I bet that is the Khalsa's uber spambot link destroyer ;D

Jet~

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy
« Reply #22 on: May 08, 2009, 12:57:09 pm »
Very enjoyable story. Im going to read the other two :). Keep up the good work.

Jet~
The real world and computer world couldn't be further apart.

>.>Jet<.<