Author Topic: Trem Story I wrote for English Class  (Read 10513 times)

Orc

  • Posts: 23
  • Turrets: +1/-1
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« on: June 29, 2006, 06:11:17 pm »
So I wrote a story about tremulous for english class and I thought i would share it with all of you, enjoy!

   I lept around randomly, frantically attempting to avoid the bullets coming at me from every side. I ran towards the human, all the while careful to vary the direction and speed of my approach to prevent him from drawing the proper lead on me. As I neared him, the stream of automatic rifle fire ceased, and I realized it was my chance. As he stopped shooting to reload, I jumped through the air and bit the top of his head off, barely landing on the ground sooner than his lifeless corpse. I savored the victory only momentarily, for I knew that soon he would return to attack again. Sure it's only a computer game, and the human I just bit to death as an alien was nothing more than the electronic representation of someone sitting at their computer somewhere in the world, but I was engrossed. For the time being it was as real to me as anything ever was. While it may have started as only an ordinary game on an ordinary day, like so many before it, this particular game would turn out to be one I would not soon forget.

   No sooner than I had finished healing, I sensed a couple more soldiers coming around the corner. I crawled up the wall into a dark corner of the ceiling and laid wait for my prey. Moments later a human slowly inched out of the doorway and peered intently down the corridor ahead of him. After what seemed like an eternity, he made the foolish assumption the path was clear and motioned to a second human behind him to cover his back as he advanced. As he neared the end of the hallway a pair of smaller aliens, called Dretchs, came leaping from around the corner that proceeded him with coinciding shrieks and began to chase him. The second human, seeing that his ally was in need of aid, decided to rush forward and assist his comrad. Upon seeing this I seized the opportunity to jump onto his back, digging my claws into the soft flesh of his back and assuring that he would neither escape me nor survive the encounter. Leaving my fellow Dretchs to finish off the other human I advanced on the human base. After prowling the dark corridors and deserted storage rooms of the abandoned space port that comprised our battleground I was at last greeted by an unexpected load of buckshot from a human wielding a shotgun.

   After my consciousness was reincarnated by the alien Overmind, I began the transformation into a much larger, more powerful form of alien, the Dragoon. Once the transformation was complete I stood nearly as tall as a man, and much more intimidating than my previous form. With razor sharp fangs, eight powerful legs, and a thick carapace as tough as any manmade armor, I was now the largest alien possible, at least for the time being. Leaving the dimly lit vent shaft that served as our nest, I began the search for soon to be victims of my mighty jaws. The first was a poor construction engineer, bearing no armor and laughable weaponry, he had clearly wandered away from human base in search of a suitable position to construct an advanced position from which they might more easily strike out at the nest. Utilizing my powerful legs I reared back and closed the considerable gap between us in a single pounce, obtaining the necessary momentum to flatten him to the ground and pin him. I could see the fear in his green eyes as he realized the futility of struggle against his impending doom, as I reduced his body weight considerably by removing everything above the shoulder in a single mighty chomp.

   It was then that the entire complex began to vibrate with a low intensity, unmistakable for a spaceship docking to supply the humans with reinforcements in both men, and more advanced equipment. It wasn't long before we got the first taste of their new lifesign detection radar helmets and plasma energy flamethrowers. I pounced onto what I thought was an unsuspecting engineer only to be ambushed by flamethrowers and toasted crispy. The battle continued fiercely on all fronts, until at last I heard the worst sound ever. At first it was distant and unclear, but as it neared it became distinctive and unmistakable. Clang, Clang, the humans had recieved their final equipment upgrades, Battlesuits. Composed of the toughest, lightest composite metal alloy armor encasing the soldier from head to toe, it was the ultimate in alien fighting gear. Along with the battlesuit, the humans were equipped with the incredibly powerful Lucifer Cannon. Firing concentrated energy blasts the Lucifer Cannon was capable of obliterating lesser aliens in a single shot, and disintegrating even the most powerful of aliens in but a few blasts. However among all the fighting I had taken the opportunity to transform into the most powerful of all aliens, the colossal Tyrant. Standing well over eight feet tall I was an enormous alien creature with scythe like claws and a lust for human flesh.

   As the battle progressed the tide turned against the humans and I soon found myself coordinating the rest of the aliens in attacks against the main human encampment. The humans grew more desperate with each passing minute, sensing that their imminent destruction was close at hand they were determined to win at any cost. Firing Lucifer Cannon shots in every direction in a vain attempt to hold off the alien onslaught, it was only a matter of time before one of the less experienced soldiers made a mistake. One of the Tyrants foolishly decided to attack alone and charged into the human base. Overcome with panic and lacking better judgement, one soldier eviscerated the Tyrant with a Lucifer Cannon shot, killing him, but critically damaging much of the surrounding base in the process. That was it, that was the chance we had been waiting for, I ordered the attack and aliens poured into the fray from all directions. The battle was chaotic, the sounds a cacophony of swirling energy blasts, pulsing laser guns, exploding grenades, rattling machineguns, humming chainguns, and screams of pain and death from human and alien alike. Several advanced Dragoons stood on the outskirts of the battlefield, lobbing barbs coated in corrosive acid at humans pre-occupied with surviving the more immediate threats, as well as their critical structures. Other small aliens known as basilisks climbed upon the walls and ceiling spraying poisonous gas, blinding their victims and rendering them easy prey. Suddenly, without warning, the human's portable reactor that powered their entire base, including their defensive turrets and weapon armory, sustained one too many direct hits and exploded in a flash, destroying half the human base, and vaporizing many of its defenders. Every last alien overran the remaining humans and destroyed every last trace of their existence save for scattered rubble and corpses.
[/list]

PHREAK

  • Posts: 344
  • Turrets: +3/-2
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2006, 06:49:43 pm »
Nice story Orc, however, I would leave the " Sure it's only a computer game, and the human I just bit to death as an alien...." part for the end giving the story an "unexpected" ending.

Speaking of which, how old are u?
Yelling at team mates since 2006!

Outcast

  • Posts: 23
  • Turrets: +0/-0
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2006, 07:37:14 pm »
Very nice. I enjoyed it. To bad games rarley end like that though.
m the anti-tyrant.

Orc

  • Posts: 23
  • Turrets: +1/-1
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2006, 02:42:27 am »
Well it was for my college english composition class, but as far as my age i'de rather leave people to guess

Stasis

  • Posts: 94
  • Turrets: +1/-0
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2006, 04:29:15 am »
English comp.. if collegiate, this cant be higher than comp 1 or 2. If high school, who knows :P

fun read though
top -


Henners

  • Posts: 383
  • Turrets: +10/-5
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2006, 11:55:05 am »
Whats an "english composition" class anyway - When I was in school I had english, with things like creative writing, which would result in this sort of thing?


I found it ok, but in places it seems you are trying a little too hard with your handy thesaurus, and in a few places you have put unnesessary details that break the flow of the prose, e.g. you dont need to keep giving the aliens their names -"a pair of smaller aliens, called Dretchs, came leaping"- It breaks the flow of the story somewhat. You also dont need to capitalize their names either - they arn't proper nouns.

Is english your first language? I only ask as there are a few bits that seem slightly awkward to read/speak somehow.

e.g. "I could see the fear in his green eyes as he realized the futility of struggle against his impending doom, as I reduced his body weight considerably by removing everything above the shoulder in a single mighty chomp. "

This is an example of what seems to be a slight "overdoing" of it, and the second as after the comma doesnt scan at all. I'd split this into two sentances, something along the lines of (trying not to change too much here)
"I could see the fear in his green eyes as he realized his impending doom. Swiftly I reduced his pathetic body weight with a mighty chomp, severing his head from his shoulders."

I think its a minor issue with sentence length and structure (possibly what english "composition" is about? I have no idea), but hopefully you can see my altered version is a bit easier on the eye. On the other hand I am a physicist by degree so who knows what my thoughts count for.


Now I feel bad having criticised it so much, but I hope thats what you were looking for! - if not, Welcome to the internet....
On the whole though its a good job.
Official Ace Forum Attorney. If your post is stupid I will object...

Lava Croft

  • Guest
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2006, 04:58:40 pm »
Asking Orc about his age is difficult, because how can one define 'age' with a Gloomer? <3

Chaos Weevil

  • Posts: 29
  • Turrets: +0/-0
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2006, 06:02:04 am »
I like it!

It's great, though I agree with PHREAK, save the bit abou the computer game until the end.  Hmmm... As real to you as anything ever was...  SO THAT'S HOW YOU ROXX0R everyone!  You go Full Synchro!

</Cheesey Mega Man BN reference>
ot changing this sig until I get Spore

AdamskiAirsoft

  • Posts: 9
  • Turrets: +0/-0
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2006, 02:11:30 pm »
Quote from: "Henners"
Whats an "english composition" class anyway - When I was in school I had english, with things like creative writing, which would result in this sort of thing?


I found it ok, but in places it seems you are trying a little too hard with your handy thesaurus, and in a few places you have put unnesessary details that break the flow of the prose, e.g. you dont need to keep giving the aliens their names -"a pair of smaller aliens, called Dretchs, came leaping"- It breaks the flow of the story somewhat. You also dont need to capitalize their names either - they arn't proper nouns.

Is english your first language? I only ask as there are a few bits that seem slightly awkward to read/speak somehow.

e.g. "I could see the fear in his green eyes as he realized the futility of struggle against his impending doom, as I reduced his body weight considerably by removing everything above the shoulder in a single mighty chomp. "

This is an example of what seems to be a slight "overdoing" of it, and the second as after the comma doesnt scan at all. I'd split this into two sentances, something along the lines of (trying not to change too much here)
"I could see the fear in his green eyes as he realized his impending doom. Swiftly I reduced his pathetic body weight with a mighty chomp, severing his head from his shoulders."

I think its a minor issue with sentence length and structure (possibly what english "composition" is about? I have no idea), but hopefully you can see my altered version is a bit easier on the eye. On the other hand I am a physicist by degree so who knows what my thoughts count for.


Now I feel bad having criticised it so much, but I hope thats what you were looking for! - if not, Welcome to the internet....
On the whole though its a good job.


What Ork typed is correct, although so is yours. Personally though I liked his better. :p

Orc

  • Posts: 23
  • Turrets: +1/-1
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2006, 08:26:31 pm »
well it was supposed to be a personal narrative ie a story about an event that happened to me, and yes english is my first language and I intentionally overdid it to try to add dramatic flair to what would otherwise be a rather boring situation, and the excessive details were more for the demonstration of english proficiency than for how they related to the game

btw criticism is welcome but since i didnt think to share it with you guys until after i turned it in its a little too late to apply your ideas now. oh well

Henners

  • Posts: 383
  • Turrets: +10/-5
Trem Story I wrote for English Class
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2006, 12:07:24 am »
I suppose it comes down to personal opinions and likes/dislikes. As I say I find overdoing the detail can make things harder to read, and feel less cohesive/compelling as a whole, but others may disagree.

I do read a lot of science fiction and fantasy, but to be fair my views dont often agree with the majority. For example I can't stand Stephen Kings books (I tried the dark tower series and found it abysmally written. Just didnt hang together in my eyes - his horror books are evenworse) or Harry Potter (just utter drivel written for children.. although people claim the later books are better I cant bring myself to try them).
The trouble I find here is the excessive detail seems to detract from the piece making it less interesting and gripping than it would otherwise be - somewhat the opposite effect to what you were looking for, but then that is a personal opinion, and afterall, I am a physicist :P

Anyway back to my original question, what exactly is "english composition"? In school I just had straight "English" lessons up to GCSE which covered everything from grammar to literature. Is it just another way of saying free creative writing, or is there something else to it?
Official Ace Forum Attorney. If your post is stupid I will object...