Author Topic: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2  (Read 6663 times)

{H}Kael_Thas

  • Posts: 40
  • Turrets: +6/-0
The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« on: May 06, 2009, 10:24:08 pm »
        Blood splattered on Private Oda's face as a giant hole in the enemy soldier's head was suddenly created. He heard the cocking of a shotgun behind him. Oda turned around and was confronted by another soldier wielding the shotgun that had blew the other soldier's face off, but this time they were on the same team. They both had the same blue eagle emblem.

   “The name's Kelly,” the soldier introduced himself. “Captain William J. Smith Kelly, but you can just call me Captain.” Kelly reached out a hand help Oda up, and they shook. Oda introduced himself, then asked, “is it really safe to do introductions out here in the wide open? Wouldn't we get picked off by a sniper or something?”

   The Captain grinned and tapped a finger to his forehead. “Smart, aren't we,” he complimented. “You make a good point there, son. Follow me; I'll take you to our base.” Having no choice, Oda put one foot in front of the other, trying to keep up with the Captain's long strides.

   He led Oda across to the other end of the orange dirt field, and through a tunnel lit with blue lights. All the way, Oda kept looking for the double doors that allowed him access to this accursed place. He found none. The doors seemed to have blended into the walls. Private Oda's eyes slowly adjusted to the dimness of the tunnel, and before lay the blue base.

   He gasped. Never before had he seen such a slendid ground base. Self-piloting machinegun turrets lay at every keep point in the square room. When he looked towards the actually base itself, he saw a green box that looked like it was spewing out weapons and bullets out of nowhere. A huge, rotating machine sat behind that green box, spinning and giving off an electrical hum. Beside that were two platforms, and emitting from the top were blue and white cylinders. There was also another platform, but this one was triangular in shape and boasted a floating, spinning red cross symbol.

   There were also people. Couldn't forget the people. All sorts of Marines were running around, doing whatever they were doing. Some held rifles, one held this thing that looked like an electrical saw, and one other had an orange and blue gun that seem to instantly create and make disappear the buildings.

   “Let me introduce you to the party,” said the Captain. “Atten-TION!” he yelled. Everyone stopped what they were doing and immediately formed a line in front of the Captain.

   “This here is Private Oda,” said the Captain. “He's the new recruit we've all been hearing about.” Oh man, thought Oda. They know of my clumsiness. “In fact,” the Captain continued, “he is the first person in history to volunteer himself for ATCS!” A cheer went up. Oda was stunned, until he remembered that he had indeed volunteer himself for ATCS. Why, he couldn't remember. Maybe a little too much beer..... “List off!” finished the Captain.

   “Private Stevenson, sir,” said a small, freckle-faced young man. He saluted and the Captain nodded.

   “Private Ingrel, at attention,” said a man who looked like he was wearing his uniform backwards.

   “Sergeant Dent, at your service,” said the only African American on the team. He smiled at Oda, and Oda smiled back. Sergeant Dent carried the orange and blue “building” gun. Oda guessed that he was the mechanic.

   “Warrant Officer Peach, ready to shit on those red sons of a bitches,” snapped a young woman. She grinned. “Watch your mouth, Officer,” said the Captain. “Hey, you know our motto.” The woman kept grinning. “We Deliver.” Private Oda couldn't help but grin too. The Captain quickly explained that Officer Peach was the one who brought supplies in from the base, and therefore she acted like the food helicopter, hence the motto, “We Deliver.”

   “Second Lieutenant Ross, here and ready sir,” spoke another man. He was the one holding the electrical saw. The rest named themselves off.

   “Corporal Jhohal, sir.”

   “First Sergeant Zheng, ready at your call.”

   “Lance Corporal Tanaka, locked and loaded.”

   “And this,” said the Captain, bringing forth a shy looking, shifty-eyed Asian man, “is my second in command. First Lieutenant Chihaiyo Takahashi.” Oda extended a hand to shake Takahashi's, but the man only looked Oda straight in the eyes through his long, black hair. He began to feel uncomfortable. “Now he may be a little shy,” said the Captain, “but he is one smartass and has proven himself on the battlefield many times. The First Lieutenant here has been in this ATCS force longer than anyone else has—fourteen months. I don't know why, but I guess that it's because he's so devoted.” The Captain patted the Lieutenant on the back. Takahashi almost fell faceforward. Is this really the right person to be in second command? Thought Oda. He looks kind of unstable. Captain Kelly barked at everyone again to get back to work, then came up to Oda.

   “As you can see, our armoury is quite broken and is giving out a random assortment of weapons. Sergeant Dent is working on fixing this, but probably won't be finished until maybe the day after. By that time, we will also probably get attacked by the other team. So for the mean time, if an attack occurs, you can use this to defend yourself.” He reached behind his back and pulled out a blaster and held it out to Oda. Oda, having seen a blaster and had used one before, was glad of the familiar sight. Besides that one object, nothing else felt the same. Amidst all the Marines around him, Private Oda found a corner in the safety of the base and sat down, head in arms, hoping to get a good rest for whatever horrors lay in stock for tomorrow.

END OF CHAPTER 2

Chapter 1
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=10982.0

Chapter 3
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=10997.msg165358#new

NOTES:
Ok, this chapter isn't really exciting either, but it introduces the main characters, so it's pretty important. A small spoiler is that Captain Kelly will be a key player in the...."accident"....at ATCS. First Lieutenant Takashi will be a key player in the rest of the plot.

Peace,
Kael'Thas

P.S. This time, I AM open to suggestions  ;D
« Last Edit: May 08, 2009, 01:29:24 am by {H}Kael_Thas »

Archangel

  • Guest
Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2009, 12:45:34 am »
stop being such a weeaboo

{H}Kael_Thas

  • Posts: 40
  • Turrets: +6/-0
Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2009, 01:07:05 am »
lol, I'm not being a weaboo yet. Well, at least not until five more japanese guys are introduced xD

player1

  • Posts: 3062
  • Turrets: +527/-401
    • My Avatar! (if they were enabled) [by mietz]
Re: Scene Two
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2009, 02:38:00 am »
a couple-few suggestions:

1) each "chapter" does not necessarily need it's own thread (especially since they are, ofc, nowhere near they length of a chapter in a book)

2) consider leaving a blank line between paragraphs (it helps to make the text less dense, and really makes dialogue move the scenes along)

3) imma glad to see that you stopped that annoying "double-space after a period" thing

4) plz note that each individual speech is its own paragraph, unless u r extremely skilled at integrating multiple speakers as well as description into one paragraph (I'm not seeing sufficient facility to throw caution to the wind just yet.)

gl & cheers

mooseberry

  • Community Moderators
  • *
  • Posts: 4005
  • Turrets: +666/-325
Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2009, 04:17:21 am »
Like what player1 said for the most part. You seem very enthusiastic and have interesting content, but your presentation and organization needs a bit of work.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

~Mooseberry.

{H}Kael_Thas

  • Posts: 40
  • Turrets: +6/-0
Re: Scene Two
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2009, 06:32:41 am »
4) plz note that each individual speech is its own paragraph, unless u r extremely skilled at integrating multiple speakers as well as description into one paragraph

the style of this kind of writing doesn't require that every speech makes a new paragraph. the way I see it, paragraphs only occur with a BIG section of speech, or an important section of speech, or the change of the story sequence/action. but thanks for teh feed back tho.

frazzler

  • Posts: 231
  • Turrets: +10/-1390
Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2009, 08:01:38 am »
Mooseberry adn Player1 are right. The thing about speech has made it near impossible for me to carry on reading your story. You however, are an excellent writer. Your story flows, the action is quite evident in the first two chapters (even if you don't think so). I am wondering why you have H V H? I am sure that H V A would make a far better story and I see no logical reason to choose H v h!

+10, YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER

Ellohir

  • Posts: 192
  • Turrets: +14/-13
    • El balrog con alas
Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2009, 10:32:21 am »
Again, the same as the ones before me. I like your style of telling the story, but not your style of organising words.

{H}Kael_Thas

  • Posts: 40
  • Turrets: +6/-0
Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 2
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2009, 05:50:05 pm »
alright, I'll try my best to follow the tips of player1. Meanwhile, I'll make the other chapters more longer so it actually LOOKS like a chapter. Thanks for all the encouragement  :)

oh, and frazzler, the reason why it's HvH is because that's the first part of the story. Aliens make an appearance in chapter 3, which is due to be posted today  ;D ;D ;D