Author Topic: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3  (Read 5656 times)

{H}Kael_Thas

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The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3
« on: May 08, 2009, 12:02:32 am »
   The sound of a machine gun turret woke up Private Oda the next morning. Groggily, he forced open his eyes and, for a moment, didn't know where he was. Then, seeing Sergeant Dent standing beside a machine gun turret that was shooting the heck out of something, he snapped to attention. Everything came flooding back to his mind. Fearing an attack, he jumped up, pulled out his blaster, and pointed it at the same direction of the machine gun turret. It had stopped shooting at whatever it was aiming for.

   “Good to see you finally awake,” said Captain Kelly, coming over to where Oda was standing. “Don't worry about the turret and the bogey. Whatever the bogey was, it didn't stay long enough to have a chat, nor did it stay long enough to get shot. Let's hope we don't have a siege waiting at our doors.” It took Oda a moment to process what the Captain was saying. Something about an attack?

   “Sir!” Corporal Jhohal came running over. “We have new information from our spy!” He cocked his head in the direction of Private Ingrel, who apparently was now the spy. The Captain nodded for his Corporal to go on. Jhohal swallowed and said, “This morning, I knew something was not right. The outskirts of our camp was too quiet, so I sent our fastest runner, Private Ingrel, to investigate. He was gone for quite awhile, and when he came back, he told me that he saw a small thing jumping around and apparently climbing walls.”

   “This is no news,” said the Captain. “We know of anti-gravity boots that can propel people through the air and gauntlets that allow soldiers to climb walls. And I personally know that the Red Team have a tiny man that maybe faster than Ingrel.” Upon hearing this, Ingrel steamed.
   
        “No, sir,” continued Jhohal. “This unknown thing was no man. Do you know of any men in the Red Team having six legs?” There was silence in the base.

   After some time, Kelly replied, “What happened to it?” Private Ingrel stepped in and quickly explained how he had lost sight of his target when a something started shooting at him, probably a Red Team Marine.

   Oda looked at the Captain, then at Jhohal. Their faces were both in the position of a thinker. The Captain finally then said, “It is decided. We will storm the Red Base now. I have had enough of this combat simulator arena, and enough of killing fellow Marines on the battlefield. This team will make one last mass murder, and it will be today.” No one spoke. The Captain gave one last, serious look at everyone, as if to say, “It was a pleasure fighting with you all. See you in hell.”

*                  *                     *

   10 minutes later, after eating a quick meal handed to him by the Warrant Officer coming from who knows where, Private Oda was lined up with the team. Captain Kelly and the First Lieutenant stood in front of them. The armoury was fixed by Sergeant Dent earlier than everyone thought, and so now, instead of the small blaster, Oda was holding a double barreled shotgun.

   The Captain gave a final speech of encouragement. He looked everyone in the eyes, closed them, and turned around. This was the signal that the war had started.

   “Marines, saddle up!” yelled Kelly, still back-turned to everyone. “We're gonna give the Red Team one hell of a party.” With that he walked, through the maze of machine gun turrets, down a ramp and up another, and into a hallway.

   “This is the main battle route,” First Sergeant Zheng explained to Oda, walking behind the Captain.. “The main entrance of both bases are too heavily guarded, and so this way is used more often.” Oda nodded, now understanding. The team crept slowly, silently, down the hallway. Each and every one of them was expecting an attack. Halfway down the tunnel, the dim blue lights became dim red lights. They were now in Red Team territory. Oda clutched his shotgun like it was a bag of money. He heard a clinking sound, and immediately fired two shots in that direction, almost blowing the Lance Corporal's leg off.

   “Watch that weapon!” he quietly yelled to Oda. The Private, embarrassed, waved a hand of apology. The team walked carefully for another few minutes, not encountering any Red soldiers. This was very surprising. They must've heard Oda's shotgun by now. Crouching at the corner to the Red Base entrance, the Captain held up a hand, signaling everyone to stop. He peered around the corner.....and immediately turned back around, gagging. Private Oda noticed a faint, rotten smell coming from the Red Base. He stood up, walked to where the Captain was, and looked into the Red Base. He promptly threw up.

   The base of his enemy was a scene from a horror movie. Bodies of soldiers lay everywhere in a pool of their own blood and urine. Some were decapitated, others had their guts hanging out from deep gashes in their stomachs. The stench was overwhelming. Private Oda threw up some more, and Warrant Officer patted him on the back. By this time, everyone in the Blue Team had seen what had happened to their enemy's base. Oda, bent over, stole a quick glance at the First Lieutenant. He was staring into the mess, not showing any signs of anything. It was like he had turned in a statue.

   “Oh my God,” said Private Stevenson, horrified. “Oh my God.....my God...” he went on, then he screamed. “We're gonna die! Oh my God we're going to die!” He grabbed First Lieutenant Takahashi by the collar and screamed the same phrase over and over again into his face. The Lieutenant was nonchalant.

   “Smarten up, soldier!” yelled the Captain. He stood up and pulled the Private away from his second in command. He then looked at Takahashi and asked, “Did you lead a team earlier this morning and ambushed them in the night?” The First Lieutenant shook his head slowly. Kelly looked back at the mess and his face scrunched up. “Then who the hell did this..” he murmured to himself.

   “Captain, look at this!” said Second Lieutenant Ross. The Captain carefully stepped around the body parts and blood and walked to Ross. He was looking down into the open stomach of a soldier bearing the red eagle emblem. At first the Captain didn't see anything, but as he looked closer, he saw what the Second Lieutenant was seeing. An orange leg as long as a pencil.

   “Holy shit,” said Sergeant Dent as he came closer. “That's their bad-ass elite Captain.” Private Oda also joined the party and they all stared down at the Red Team Captain. Corporal Jhohal came over and picked up the leg with the point of his sniper rifle—or, as it was more commonly called, mass driver. He pulled out a plastic baggie and dumped the object into it. Oda wondered where he got the random plastic bag. The Corporal gave the bag to Warrant Officer Peach, and she headed back to the base. Oda realized that she was sending it to Main Base for analyzing

   “All of you, stand ready!” said the Captain. “We are obviously dealing with an unknown force here. Whatever it is, we must not let it become a hindrance. Since our mission, which was to destroy the Red Team, has been completed for us, we can now radio in for evac to Central Headquarters. But still be careful. This force might still be out there.”

   “What do we do about him?” The Second Lieutenant nodded in the direction of the crouching, huddling figure of Private Stevenson.

   “We take him back and pray he gets good doctors,” replied the Captain. “Now, listen carefully. Everyone must—”

   “Look out!” someone yelled. Private Oda didn't know who it was. He whipped around, and the last thing he saw was a giant thing, mouth open, jaws wide, teeth sharp, pouncing into his face.

END OF CHAPTER 3

Chapter 2
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=10993.msg165198#msg165198

Chapter 4
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=10998.0

NOTES:
Yay, finally some action! And for those of you who were being skeptical about this being a tremulous story, I've just proved you wrong. Now you are seeing some elements of HvA, even though the aliens haven't made a really big appearance. I hope the cliffhanger at the end leaves you begging for more!

Peace,
Kael'Thas

P.S. I hope the new formatting makes it easier to read
« Last Edit: May 09, 2009, 01:04:23 am by {H}Kael_Thas »

UniqPhoeniX

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2009, 12:53:15 am »
Nice stories, keep up the good work! And yes, the new formatting makes it easier.

player1

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Re: Chapter 3
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2009, 01:11:47 am »
so much better

and i agree, u can use several spkrs & some descrip in one paragraph in that particular military/action SF style, but w/o a blank line it looks terrible in this format

w/ a blank line to let the text breathe, however, it is delightfully much improved, and lends the style ur using much more punch & rhythm

nicely done

rewriting is rewriting (so don't be afraid to go back & edit the earlier chapters; w/ ur newfound power to engage more readers w/ a pleasing layout)

cheers

P.S. A couple of jarring things in this entry: 1) "at attention" seems a bit overused, and sounds like they are either at, or being ordered to, a full-attention pose. I'd recommend finding some phrase like "stand ready" or etc., that sounds more realistic (we use calls and commands in my job every day, and even though I'm not in the military, one would expect to hear "stand by", "on my signal", "stand down", etc., more than "at attention", especially in a field situation).

2) The phrase "silently yelled" makes it sound like they are psychic; "hoarsely hissed", "bitingly muttered" or "whispered curtly" would be in the direction that I would tend. Even "quietly yelled" would be acceptable, but "silently" means noiselessly, and "yelled" means loudly. A jarring juxtaposition, which equals the sudden loss of the willing suspension of disbelief. Now I stopped thinking about your story and started thinking about how to silently yell.

Otherwise rather enjoyable, even quite clever, in places. Good Luck & maek moar plox. (Consider reading some military fiction for phraseology.)

your face

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2009, 01:20:08 am »
Very fun to read.  Good job. :)
spam spam spam, waste waste waste!

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2009, 01:24:23 am »
thanks, all of you!

Archangel

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2009, 02:15:50 am »
Please, please, don't offer me anything. I'll tell you what I want.

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 3
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2009, 05:36:24 am »
huh