Author Topic: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5  (Read 10208 times)

{H}Kael_Thas

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The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« on: June 02, 2009, 12:52:02 am »
   Private Oda tensed. The situation? What situation?

   “Private Oda, as you have just heard, we have a new problem,” said the Brigadier General. “The Reactor aboard the spacecraft Tremor has just been destroyed by the Aliens. The last surviving humans are putting up a fight beside a Repeater in the basement. This Repeater is the only thing keeping Tremor from drifting off into space. All navigation systems are down, as well as weapons. The leader of the surviving group has set up a make-shift launching dock which they use to receive reinforcements, if any come. No nation has answered their plea. But we will.” Haynesworth stopped, looking off into the distance. He then focused back on Oda. Oda felt small under the watchful gaze of the Brigadier General. He continued, “We are sending you, as well as Captain's Kelly surviving team aboard Tremor. This team is the only group of soldiers that know about the aliens and how to combat them.” Oda was just about to say that he didn't know how to combat then, but Haynesworth raised a hand for silence.

   “Understood, sir,” said Captain Kelly with a salute. The Brigadier General saluted back. Oda swallowed.

   “I wish you well, men,” said Haynesworth. “You leave in oh-six-hundred hours. Good luck.”

*                  *                     *
   
   The setup aboard Tremor was fast. Captain Kelly's team arrived in less than 12 hours and were introduced to the surviving team efficiently. They were handed weapons of choice from the still functioning armoury and grabbed medkits from the still functioning medistation. Private Oda was surprised to see that the survivors also had a working defense computer and a few Tesla generators. This was impressive, as a Repeater usually didn't have enough power to handle this many buildings and power a spacecraft at the same time.

   Oda noticed a pile of dead alien bodies in one corner. There were about 20 of them; most Dretches, but the unusual Basilisk and even Marauder leg could be seen every so often. He walked over to poke at the dead aliens and suddenly a brief vision of a Dragoon pouncing appeared before his eyes. He screamed, dropped his rifle, and half fainted. I guess I still haven't recovered from that attack yet, thought Oda. A Tremor crew member can and extended a hand to help him up. Oda thanked him, and was about to compliment on the alien bodies when Sergeant Dent yelled an alarm. Another wave of alien attacks was about to take place.

   He hurriedly picked up his rifle and placed himself close to the only entrance to the basement of the spacecraft. He looked at the closed double-doors, and breathed a deep breathe.

   There was a thud on the door. The locking mechanism held. The captain of the surviving team motioned for a soldier with a mass driver to cover the door. He quickly crouched/ran in front of the door, about 3 meters back, and took aim. There was another thud. The locking computer pad on the door buzzed, then short-circuited. Oda could hear someone swear under their breath. For a while, nothing happened. Then the double-doors slid open. Everyone raised their weapons and pointed it at the door, but nothing appeared. And then.....

   The head of the mass driving soldier came off. His body slumped to the ground. “Oh fuck!” yelled Private Stevenson. From the corner of his eye, Oda saw the Private starting to wildly fire at the dark shadow that had killed the human. None of the bullets seemed to hit it. Stevenson emptied his whole clip into the moving shadow, and looked down to reload. Pretty soon, his head was gone too. The thing stopped at the Private's body, and turned to look at Oda. He immediately froze. It was a Dragoon.

   Multiple bullets pounded the Dragoon's body. The Alien roared and took off with Private Stevenson's head in its jaws. First Lieutenant Takahashi ran over to the frozen Oda, pulled him up to his feet, and slammed the rifle back into his hands. He shook the Private out of his nightmares, then ran off to help his Captain and teammates.

   Private Oda was dazed. The creature from his worst nightmares had come back to haunt him. But no, not this time. A blood lust began to form in Oda's mind. He slowly walked over to the dead mass driver-bearing Marine, and reached down to take his weapon. Then he crouched and took aim at the Alien, trying to do what the dead Marine had failed at. Oda ignored his teammates shouts and curses, and ignored the growls and roars of the Dragoon. He put his eye to the scope on the gun and zoomed in twice. The Dragoon was in his sights now. The gun automatically locked on to the target with a red circle. Oda squinted, put his finger on the trigger, and squeezed.

   He shot right through the Dragoon's neck. The Alien roared once and slumped to the ground. Wide eyes and opened mouths turned to face Oda, all of them unbelieving what he had just accomplished. The Private moved towards the seemingly dead Alien, still cautious. Once he reached the body, he looked down into its eyes. They were still moving around frantically.

   “Die!” shouted the Private. He blew the Alien's eyes out. Gore splattered on his uniform and his face. “Die motherfucker!” The frenzy took over him and he emptied the whole gun into the head of the Alien. He then threw the gun away, and was about to reach for his blaster when he felt a hand on his arm. Oda turned around and saw Captain Kelly with a sympathetic look.

   “It's dead, son,” said the Captain. Oda slowly calmed down and the blood lust faded. He was just about to retrieve his rifle when Sergeant Dent yelled again.

   “It's not over yet, ladies,” he shouted. “We've got more on the move!” Oda sighed, ran to get his weapon, and prepared for another attack.

END OF CHAPTER 5
Chapter 4
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=10998.0

NOTES:
Sorry for the late post. I was out camping with some friends. Oh and by the way, I just have one question: what language is Dretch? Or is it just a made-up name?

Kael'Thas Out.

player1

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Re: English, actually (Scottish, originally?)
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2009, 02:46:46 am »
I just have one question: what language is Dretch?

Dretch:

v. t. & i.   1.   See Drecche.
Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, published 1913 by C. & G. Merriam Co.

Drec´che    (drĕch´e)
v. t.   1.   To vex; to torment; to trouble.
As man that in his dream is drecched sore.
- Chaucer.
v. i.   1.   To delay.
Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, published 1913 by C. & G. Merriam Co.


see also this post

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2009, 03:49:39 am »
oh...thanks.

Yarou

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2009, 04:19:06 am »
THIS STORY SUCKS


Currently:
{&}Yarou

Supertanker

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2009, 05:34:03 am »
@Yarou
Now now, Yarou. Just because you're so jealous of people who can type more than a single sentence in a post doesn't mean that it is appropriate to go around being an ass. Of course, not only do you seem to be jealous of writers, but you seem to be incurably envious of mappers, modders, players, modelers, musicians, developers, forkers, other trolls, people who post random images in threads, people who don't post random images in threads, and people who eat tomato sandwiches for lunch.

A far more appropriate response would have been something along the lines of, "Kael, the story has a good start, but there are a number of small issues that could be easily corrected. For example, each time someone new speaks, there should be a separate paragraph.
"This:

Quote
The head of the mass driving soldier came off. His body slumped to the ground.
“Oh fuck!” yelled Private Stevenson. From the corner of his eye, Oda saw the Private starting to wildly fire at the dark shadow that had killed the human.

"Instead of this:

Quote
The head of the mass driving soldier came off. His body slumped to the ground. “Oh fuck!” yelled Private Stevenson. From the corner of his eye, Oda saw the Private starting to wildly fire at the dark shadow that had killed the human.

@Kael:

Kael, the story has a good start, but there are a number of small issues that could be easily corrected. For example, each time someone new speaks, there should be a separate paragraph.
This:

Quote
The head of the mass driving soldier came off. His body slumped to the ground.
“Oh fuck!” yelled Private Stevenson. From the corner of his eye, Oda saw the Private starting to wildly fire at the dark shadow that had killed the human.

Instead of this:

Quote
The head of the mass driving soldier came off. His body slumped to the ground. “Oh fuck!” yelled Private Stevenson. From the corner of his eye, Oda saw the Private starting to wildly fire at the dark shadow that had killed the human.

I do like how you are keeping some sentences short and sweet, instead of trying to make sentences extremely long and complicated by stringing together several sentences using commas and/or semicolons; this tends to produce very long, rambling sentences, the type of sentences that take quite a long time to read, and these sentences can occasionally become irritating if they are used often and if they stretch on and on and on, because after all, you're painting a picture in the reader's head, and you don't want to bore them by using really long sentences like this one.



« Last Edit: June 02, 2009, 05:52:14 am by Supertanker »

Demolution

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2009, 06:11:26 am »
Nice.  ;D

How many chapters do you plan on having in the final version?

Clan [AC] - For all your air conditioning needs please visit: http://s1.zetaboards.com/AC_NoS/index/
my brain > your brain.
and i am VERY stupid.

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2009, 06:20:50 am »
You don't actually need a new paragraph in that instance Supertanker.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

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player1

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Re: The Speaker, The Formatting Chapter 73
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2009, 06:27:43 am »
You don't actually need a new paragraph in that instance Supertanker.

True.

Supertanker

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2009, 06:33:42 am »
Oh, d'oh, I thought that someone had spoken there; you're right.

At any rate though; it's still a good, solid story. It's just that there's a few instances of odd grammar; words in strange order, that type of thing.

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2009, 12:22:24 am »
Nice.  ;D

How many chapters do you plan on having in the final version?

umm, right now, around maybe 15 or so? if the plot drags on then I'll make moar, but for the mean time....15.

@supertanker: thanks for teh advice; I'll try to apply it to my future chapters.

@yarou: then go read someone else's story, or don't read one at all.

oh and....how can I put up an avatar? like supertankers; I can't figure out how to do it.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2009, 12:27:06 am by {H}Kael_Thas »

mooseberry

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2009, 01:16:16 am »
you cant
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

~Mooseberry.

Supertanker

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #11 on: June 03, 2009, 03:21:36 am »
To be more specific, only people who have proper permissions are able to use avatars, in order to reduce spam and server load. I earned mine by winning one of the early mapping contests with Station15-beta1.

Sorry :<

{H}Kael_Thas

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #12 on: June 03, 2009, 04:52:27 am »
GAHHHHHHHHHH that sucks

red*kitty

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Re: The Scourge, The Enemy Chapter 5
« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2010, 03:04:10 pm »
make moar?