Greetings soldier (or alien xenotypes able to comprehend Galactic English)! Welcome to the Epic Corporation's Definitive Introductory Guide on Some Stuff You Might Encounter in the Universe.
Far, Far into the future, when mankind flings himself towards the stars and travels between bizarre and frightening dimensions, there is but one threat to his existence (besides Secret Meat Monday in the Mess Hall)...
THE ALIEN
Lot of build up for something so simple? Well, you might think they aren't a big deal, but then you've probably never seen a tyrant tear a man to pieces. And you certainly have never felt the fear of being hunted by a basilisk or marauder as you stumble around some God forsaken chunk of floating debris that Command has, for WHATEVER reason, deemed necessary for you to secure. But I digress.
This guide will attempt to bring the Universe into terms your feeble little foot-soldier mind can comprehend. Let's start with the arenas that you'll be visiting. Let's start with some of the common battlefields that, for whatever reason...we keep going back to. Whether we win or lose, it seems we're always fighting there! We have nicknamed an old space hulk "Tremor" as the damnable thing shakes and rattles its way through space while we continue to fight back the aliens. You'd think someone would close that airlock door but NOOOOOO. Another personal anti-favorite is Karith Station. I mean, seriously...scientists should learn how to handle a gun. We've lost countless men there, and every time it's the same thing. I swear though that the aliens are getting smarter. Sometimes it's like the go straight for the storage room with the huge lift, affectionately named "the Elevator Room", and then try to lure us through the door into about 50 of their little acidic-spitty-pore-dealies. I can say though, at the end of the day, it's nice to calm down and relax in one of our many combat simulators. ATCS is my personal favorite. Though, recently Command has suggested using real aliens as a real test. What kind of TEST is that?!
As for alternate dimensions, I've had my share. One time we got lost in a wormhole and somehow the entire ship warped and twisted into a bizarre neighborhood of sorts that looked like a child painted it on Photoshop 5000 CS (Kids and their archaic programs!) the thing is...the aliens were there too! I hate going through "The Paint 5 Wormhole", it's bad enough to face aliens, but add to that I'm doing it in an acid trip gone terribly awry? That level isn't as bad as some of the man made labyrinths that are out there though. Ancient Castles that have nearly no light, Giant Trampoline's with ancient acronyms for Laughing Out Loud, and even testing facilities with everything ranging from Hockey Rinks to Giant cannons that shoot you into the air! It's almost a pleasure to get to fight in the Rotcannon though, flying through the air is great, as long as you don't land on too hard a surface...or a tyrant.
Enough about the Universe, let's get to talking about your tools. Your weapons are self explanatory. Keep the business end pointed at the alien and not your fellow teammates. That comes out of your paycheck. Do you know what it costs to train, indoctrinate, and teleport a new soldier to any given battlefield?? That's what I thought! More than the credits you're printed on, Mister! Speaking of teleporting, isn't it a great advancement in technology? Teleporters allow us to zap you little minions into the battlefield safely from the barracks or appropriate troop receptacle. The standard turret unit is a marvel of modern science, it attaches a DNA scanning target finder to attack anything with more/less than two helices. Though it's kinda slow and it can't move, it's better at following orders than you, which is why we keep them in service. Now, those newfangled tesla generators are pretty sweet. Those things work similarly to the turrets but their 'aim' isn't really an aim at all. Our armors all contain a special alloy that, in a sense, grounds you to the specific type of plasma emitted from the Tesla coil. Though they won't attack you, I'd suggest you not stand near them, cause they have been known to cause tumors.
Update 1:
As per some wonderfully stupid private's foray into cleaning a Lucifer Cannon, I've been instructed to give a safety lesson on the values of:
1) knowing which end the BOOM comes out of and
2) not wearing expensive equipment if you do decide to clean your weapon
First off, let's get acquainted with Mr. Lucifer Cannon. The boys down at the PR department have come up with a safety slogan for us:
Large
Uranium
Charger
Intensifies and
Fecking
Emits
Radiation. The Luci works by creating a nuclear reaction inside a magnetic field that is itself held together by the power of the nuclear reaction. I think it has something to do with splitting atoms, ions, lasers, dark magics, and some other Space Age Technology. The first safety precaution of the lucifer cannon is NOT POINTING IT at anything you don't want vaporized or charred. The second is, DO NOT OVERCHARGE THE LUCIFER CANNON. Though some of the more hardcore veterans have developed a strategy in their battlesuits called "Lucijumping", that is firing a fully charge luci blast at your feet, it is NOT sanctioned by the Combat Techniques and Field Cooking Recipe Committee in the Galactic Senate. We must also remind you that, while the lucifer cannon is a powerful weapon in anyone's hands, this does not mean anyone below "Hardened Veteran" should handle one. If you see a nooblet handling one of these very dangerous weapons, feel free to save us time and a large cleaning bill and shoot him in the head. When no one is looking. In a secluded part of whatever area you're in.
