Author Topic: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]  (Read 12635 times)

Knowitall66

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Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]
« on: August 04, 2009, 09:12:31 am »
You may remember previously I posted Access Log - 203'H5.
Well here's;

Hard Landing - Chapter One
Going to Hell in a Hand Basket
[Download (.doc)] (Note Unless you have the font '1942 Report' the title wont show)
(This is an extended story associated with my map. This chapter is the prologue to what happens in the map)

-------------
"Mummy, when's Dad coming home?" said a seven year old boy staring up at the stares through his bedroom window.
"Soon, Jimmy. He'll be home soon" said Jimmy's Mother who had a hand resting on the boys shoulder.
But the truth was that she was not even certain that he would return.
   
// Two Weeks Earlier //
The hanger bay was bustling with activity. It's roof twenty meters high and it's floor spanned 100 meters and every centimeter was packed with people; crew, attendees, soldiers and of coarse in the center of it all sat the 'Arcane Runner' the most hi-tech stealth craft known to man. Its dark purple plated hull glimmered under the spotlights.

I sat on a supply crate chatting with some close friends.
"Hey guys, hear about that trade cruiser that got attacked by those pirates?" queried Micheal as he leaned against the ship beside me. He was 23, shorter than average and had ocean blue hair. His age made him the youngest of our squad, 'Tiger Claw'. There was only four of us Micheal, Jack, Psi and of course me. Jack was our leader and extremely well built a trait which had us don him 'Hulk'. Psi was lanky which doubled with his burning red eyes gave him an extremely strange appearance, the along with his combat supremacy earned him the title 'Psycho'. I am a pretty average person though am highly skilled in deceit. My special poker play-style gained me the nickname 'Scoundrel'.

"Pirates?" scoffed Jack, "They've been in hiding since we took out that flagship of theirs."
"No, seriously. Don't you keep up with the times? There's been an immense increase in pirate activity in the past few weeks." argued Micheal.
"Who cares?!" replied Jack "Hey, Cap'in. Any chance you could fill us in with the specifics of this mission?" His query directed at our Captain who was just passing by.
"You know everything you need to know soldier" remarked the Captain and strode off.
"I hate these top secret missions, something bad always happens" Psi moaned.
"Well, at least it couldn't be any worse then that last one." I replied.
"Oh, it will be."

// A Few Days Later //
It had been four days since we had left the Mars Orbital Platform. We 'Tiger Claw' members were hanging out in a storage bay. One of eight in fact but also one of the smallest, hence less chance of us being discovered and forced to perform our duties. Presently we were playing a round of poker and as usual I was winning. I had already amassed over 20 thousand credits and the tension between me and my squad was high.

// Meanwhile On The Bridge //
"Captain, we've got a contact, it’s unregistered too!"
"Try hailing them."
"Sir, incoming Ion Pulse Missiles."
"Charge up the shields"
There was a brief moment of silence, then a large explosion and the ship shuddered.
Despite having braced himself against his console the Captain was still knocked of his feet. He rose back up, demanding; "Status report!"
"We've lost our main and auxiliary thrusters, Sir the shields weren't up in time"

The Guardian-B804 Defense System was the most advanced in existence but it had the unfortunate drawback that it took eons start up.

"Sir, we're heading straight for that planet!"
"Get all VIPs to the escape pods; I'll be joining them shortly. Activate the distress beacon."
"Yes, Sir."

"This is the Arcane Runner, requiring immediate assistance! I repeat this is the Arcane Runner, requiring immediate assistance!”

It was too late.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2010, 01:46:45 am by Knowitall66 »

Vape

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2009, 09:46:34 am »
Like how you incorporated your own map into the story. Well done.  :)
-If you think its a joke, it's like thinking that kicking a dog/shooting someone innocent in the leg is funny.
Meisseli is a dump face ... Telling that gpp have no cheat is like tell that Meisseli mother dont suck cock !!!!

Chomps123

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2009, 02:00:16 pm »
Keep going with the story.

(Hope that is not all :()
Don't just live life with work.
Find some time every day to have some fun. ;)

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing Chapter 2
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2009, 11:46:40 pm »
Minimally edited version (.doc upload soon(tm));
Hard Landing - Chapter Two
Unplanned Landing
--------------
An explosion rattled the storage bay. The cards were thrown into the air and hung there for seemingly an eternity then they were strewn across the floor.
“What the HELL was that?!” exclaimed Micheal.
“This is bad” Jack muttered to himself.
“I told you, I told you this was going to happen!” said Psi annoyed.
“We should head to the Bridge” ordered Jack.
We walked up to the bays door yet it didn’t open.

“What’s going on?” queried Micheal.
“Maybe that explosion screwed up the ships systems” I suggested.
“No that’s not it,” said jack as he tried the doors holopanel, “This area of the ships been locked down… they don’t know were down here.”
“What?! Ahhh, noo argh” Micheal

*vvvvvvtsssssssshhhhhh* *vvvvvvtsssssssshhhhhh*

“That sounded like the escape pods,” announced Jack, “The ship must be really messed up.”
“What do we do?! Whadda we doo?!” screamed Micheal.

“All personnel, brace for impact.” ordered the Intercom.

“Let’s try that.” said Psi sarcastically.
We shifted some crates to the side and sat against the bays wall.

The ship shuddered and the temperature inside jumped at least 20 degrees Celsius. The G-Forces pinned us to our place.
“Oh, God. Were all gunna die!!” shouted Micheal then he passed out.

We were suddenly thrown forward like rag dolls. My head was slammed against the opposite wall and I blacked out.

// Later //

I tried to open my open my eyes, my head ached, my eye lids parted to reveal a scene of chaos. My comrades were sprawled across the floor the cargo was scattered and smashed, lights flickered and some wall panels were loose.

I took at deep breath in and coughed violently, the air was thick with smoke. Its haze stung my eyes. I cautiously got too my feet, ensuring nothing was broken. I brought my hand up to the back of my head I felt a warm trickle of blood. Luckily it didn’t seem too bad.

“*Cough* Any one still alive?” I shouted over the crackling fire.
“That was one HELL of a landing!” said Psi propping himself up. “Argh, my leg.”
His leg was pinned between the wall and a crate. I stumbled over too him and pulled it aside, Psi winced at the pain. His ankle was definitely broken, but at least the bone hadn’t punctured the skin. Jack and Micheal slowly got to their feet.
“What the hell happened?!” asked Micheal.
“We crashed” I replied.
“You guys alright?” Jack asked, he’d noticed our injuries. Using a shirt as a makeshift bandage he wrapped it around my head. We gave Psi a steel pole to use as a walking stick.

We were hurt but at least alive.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2009, 11:51:19 pm by Knowitall66 »

Chomps123

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2009, 01:17:03 pm »
That was good.

Keep it going.
Don't just live life with work.
Find some time every day to have some fun. ;)

mooseberry

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2009, 05:27:33 am »
Interesting, but you have a lot to improve. Try to keep your narration the same. I can't exactly explain why I don't like the style of what you've written, but keep working on improving.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

~Mooseberry.

Chomps123

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2009, 06:36:51 am »
Hey, you still doing next chapter? :-\
KEEP IT COMING!!!
Don't just live life with work.
Find some time every day to have some fun. ;)

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2009, 08:48:50 am »
Sorry, I'm a sloowwww typer :P

Hard Landing - Chapter Three
Unexpected Company
--------------
One of the crates had split open, weapons and ammunition spilled forth. I picked up Rifle.
“This may just come in handy” I said.
“Yeah, considering the present state of things. It can only go downhill from here” Psi pointed out.
Psi and Micheal grabbed Lasguns, while jack shot gunned the shotgun.
“Lock and Load buys, we’re moving out,” Jack commanded.
He walked over to the bays hatch and pressed its Holopanel. There was groan and a hiss  then the its hydraulics opened it up. Burning debris littered the freshly upturned soil, beyond that there was a foggy canyon. We slowly progressed through the marsh. At one point my arm brushed against one of the glowing alien bushes, it stuck and I quickly flicked my arm back.

“You hear that?!” exclaimed Micheal.
“No” sighed jack.
“There it was gain! Come on tell me you heard it that time?’ said Micheal after a brief moment of silence.
“Hey is that light?” I said.
We sundered ahead to find the entrance of an underground facility. Shutting down the forcefeild out front we made our way inside. It was a immense circular room with a large elevator shaft in its center.

*Squeak*

Suddenly a large orange spider like creature, known as a Dretch zigzagged toward us. Jack instinctively raised his weapon and fired. The Dretch exploded in a fountain of green blood and flesh.
"Looks like were not the only ones seeking refuge", I noted.
There was a door on the left wall of the chamber. Jack cautiously examined the passage beyond it.
"Doesn't look like we'll be able to get through there. It's all locked tight" He announced
"Down it is then" I said
We boared the elevator that was little more then a lighted platform.

We slowly descended underground.
"Well this goes a nice speed, FOR AN 80 YEAR OLD!" remarked Micheal annoyed.

*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*

All of a sudden Dretches began pouring forth from the vents, tons of them. Psi dropped his makeshift walking stick and opened fire upon the Dretches. Hundreds of them were torn to pieces in the hail of bullets, their limp bodies rained down around us. Micheal, Jack and I quickly recovered from the initial bewilderment and started shooting. The elevator finally came to a halt and we swiftly made our way through the doorway sealing it behind us. Psi brushed a corpse off his shoulder. (That's why we call him Psycho)

"Hey! Hey, you guys get over here" Said a disembodied voice.
We rushed sprinted over to it's direction. A door ahead suddenly sealed.
"No, no. NOOoo! We heard your distress call, we can help each other, there's a ship. But first you gotta get this door open, head to security there should be an override there"
« Last Edit: August 24, 2009, 09:22:40 am by Knowitall66 »

red*kitty

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2010, 05:44:12 pm »
MOAR

Jeffy K

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2010, 05:47:09 am »
ME WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

« Last Edit: April 30, 2010, 05:48:53 am by Jeffy K »

Chomps123

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Re: Hard Landing
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2010, 11:23:17 pm »
Is the story gonna continue or what?
Don't just live life with work.
Find some time every day to have some fun. ;)

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing - Chapter 4
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2010, 12:12:29 am »
Well there is some more I have written down some where, but in all seriousness I thought the majority of people didn't like it. (Because of my poor writing ability).

EDIT: Ok found some more stuff typed up;

Hard Landing - Chapter Four
Untitled as of yet :P
--------------

“So what should we do?” I asked the others.
“What he says, he probably knows this place well” replied Jack.
To our right hanging from the roof was a sign which read “Security”. We sprinted down the corridor and rounded a corner to find that the floor ahead had collapsed. Above the gap the pipes supports were fairly deteriorated. Using Micheals Lasgun I melted the piping above us and then sprayed a couple of Rifle rounds into the damaged support. It crumbled away and the pipes swung down forming a ramp.
“Ingenious!” remarked Jack.

We slowly made our way across and continued down the corridor and entered the room to our left we appeared to be on the upper walkways and the lower areas were flooded with a luminescent green substance. From some wall scrawlings and the damage the room had suffered it was quite clear it was an acid. Parts of the walkways had been eaten away and floating on the surface was several containers.
“Maybe we could use the crates to get across” suggested Micheal.
“I don’t think they could support our weight and anyway they’d probably fall apart as we touch them” I said.
“Then how are we going to get across?”
“Why go across, when we can go around?” Psi said, as he pried open a vent cover.
It was a tight squeeze especially for Jack (Who got stuck twice). But we eventually made it through. Down the next hall we found the security room. The walls were covered in screens and below them a sea of controls.
“Ok, sooo which is the over ride” Micheal queried, stunned by the immense amount of controls.
“How about the red one marked ‘Emergency Over ride’” Psi said sarcastically.
He slammed his fist down on it and the other routes from the room opened. We began heading down a maintenance corridor (not wanting to have to go through our previous troubles again). Unexpectedly the door ahead slammed down but quickly returned to its original position.
“Weird” I stated.
Micheal dashed through expecting it to come down again. We found our way back to the previously sealed door.
“So where’s that ship of yours?” Inquired Micheal.
But as we entered the passage we found we were too late. A man in military uniform lay slouched against the wall a gouging wound across his stomach and a rifle in his limp hand.
“Grr, damn it!” said Jack.
All of a sudden our radio head sets spat into life.

“Hey! You need to head to the Hanger. It’s too late Rem, but there’s still hope for you.”

Then there was silence.
“Let’s go” commanded Jack.
“What? But we don’t even no this guy? How can you trust them?” said Psi sceptically.
“This man, Rem, died for us! I trust them”
We headed onward. Rounding a corner we found an open vent inside were some medical supplies and scrawled on the wall were some words of thanks and a crude drawing of a ship.
“Just what you need Psycho” I mocked
“Hey! You’re not too crash hot your self” refuted Psi.
We patched ourselves up and continued on. Eventually we came to a storage room the door on a balcony above marked ‘Hanger’. There was a ladder up to it but it was caged up. Micheal began climbing up the crates trying to get high enough to reach the ledge. The rest of us scanned the room for an alternative.
“Heh, got it” I announced raising my rifle and firing at the lock holding a ladder up that ascended into a vent above. It clattered down and I made my way up into the vent. Coming to a vent cover below me I smashed it open with the butt of my Rifle.
“Piece ‘a’ cake!” I announced dropping onto the ledge. I pressed a button and the cage concealing the ladder swung open allowing the rest of my squad up.

We now had an objective and a hope of surviving.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2010, 01:46:32 am by Knowitall66 »

Chomps123

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 3]
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2010, 04:01:14 am »
i know it has been a while but i was just wondering if there is more to the sory?
Don't just live life with work.
Find some time every day to have some fun. ;)

Conzul

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 3]
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2010, 04:45:07 am »
Yeah write the next part. So what if some ppl don't like it.

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4]
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2010, 11:20:50 am »
I was waiting for someone to say something, will do (Write up some more I mean), though I am working on the map and several other projects :P.

EDIT: Oops, just realized I had two chapter three's.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2010, 01:47:23 am by Knowitall66 »

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4 & I]
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2010, 11:33:57 am »
Hmmm. I should probably work on my writing ability, shouldn't I?
Ah, well here's some more.
Oh, and if your wondering why I'm writing a prologue halfway through the story it's because I just thought of it :D. (Eh, Why can't I? 'Star Wars' did it)

Hard Landing – Prologue Part I
Havoc
--------------

I was working in my lab studying the regenerative abilities of the specimens. I found it quite remarkable how quickly they are able to repair and replace damaged tissue, if we came to understand it we would be able to greatly enhance our medical sciences.

Suddenly I was interrupted in my work by an alarm.
“Argh! What is this racket?!” I thought angrily.
I got out of my chair and went over to the door. I could hear people shouting from the other side of the door. I raised my hand toward the doors control panel.

“AAAAAAAAAAA!”

The scream startled me and I hesitated. Taking a deep breath I pressed down on the button. The door silently slid upward revealing a scene of utter chaos.

There were people frantically running toward the exits. I had no idea what could possibly be the cause of the pandemonium, so I grabbed the arm of a passing scientist. He turned to me, a look of terror on his face.
“What is going on?!” I demanded.
“Th-, th- they escaped!” stammered the fearful scientist.
He wrenched his arm free of my grasp and continued sprinting. It was then I noticed that a large section of the glass surrounding the specimen’s habitat had been shattered.

The creatures which had previously dwelled in the enclosure were now loose and attacking personnel.
“Oh, my god! How can this be happening!?” I shuddered.
I instinctively began running with the crowd. I raced around the corner and through the doorway of the exit. Turning I noticed only a few people remained behind me, the specimens were right on their tail. Everything seemed to pause for a moment as I realized that if I didn’t do something, the organisms I had so eagerly been studying were going to kill me.

I did the only thing I could. I slammed my hand on the doors controls sealing it, then hit the emergency lock. I could see the face of a fellow scientist through the small window in the door. I could hear him begging for me to open the door. He pounded his fists against the door. I turned and ran. As I ran screams haunted me, echoing throughout the passageways.

« Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 10:52:46 am by Knowitall66 »

Conzul

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]
« Reply #16 on: August 31, 2010, 07:16:27 pm »
gruesome.

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]
« Reply #17 on: August 31, 2010, 11:50:30 pm »
What the hell do you think this is? A Game?! :P

Chomps123

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]
« Reply #18 on: September 01, 2010, 06:00:43 am »
thats gonna creep me out for a few days
Don't just live life with work.
Find some time every day to have some fun. ;)

DeathSkull

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]
« Reply #19 on: September 01, 2010, 09:32:19 am »
I'm not really sure what to say. I presume you're writing a short story here, but it's short in both in length and enjoyment. The dialogue is sub-par, something I would expect kids to be saying, not military men. Granted, I'm not following the "rules" perfectly either, but I try to at least make my speech look professional and, well, believable.

Also, there are quite a few blunders:

>“What is going on I demanded?!” I demanded.<

>now loose and attack personnel.<

>while jack shot gunned the shotgun.<

To add to this, there's some weird details and characterizations, as well as a bad sense of order (we'll cover this last part first, as there's more to it):

>Hundreds of them were torn to pieces in the hail of bullets, their limp bodies rained down around us. Micheal, Jack and I quickly recovered from the initial bewilderment and started shooting.<

From what I understand, two of them have Lasguns, one has a shotgun, and the last a rifle. So out of these four, the first one to start firing was one of the two with a lasgun. First off, no bullets being fired yet, and secondly, it would take more than all four of them to kill hundreds of dretches.

Psi brushed a corpse off his shoulder. (That's why we call him Psycho)

I brush insects (sometimes dead ones) off my shoulders from time to time, if they fall on me from a tree. I must be criminally insane! In all seriousness, this makes no sense at all.

And last but not least, for now: each "chapter" has an abrupt start and end. This is (among other things) bad writing. Think of it this way: it's like the written version of watching a TV show or listening to the radio, only to be interrupted by bursts of static or interference for so much and for so long that you're not really getting any story at all. You're clearly missing something that's integral to the plot, but you'll just have to live with those few jumbled scenes and try to make sense of it.

I suppose if you really worked on it, you could churn out a pretty decent tale, but as it is... let's just say that Hard Landing is probably destined to crash and burn.

Best of luck to you, however!

-Death
Life is Temporary - Death is Eternal
{NoS} 4eva!
Check out my Tremulous novella:
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=11003.0

Knowitall66

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Re: Hard Landing [Latest Chapter - 4*]
« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2010, 10:49:42 am »
I appreciate the C&C, Death. Thanks. (Fixed the first two errors mentioned)
You are quite correct the quality of this text is quite poor, and I could do better. Hopefully some time, I'll get around to rewriting it (Well at least doing some heavy editing). At the very least I'll ensure there aren't any blatantly obvious errors in future chapters. (Guess I'll have to recruit a proof reader)
« Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 10:52:18 am by Knowitall66 »