Orion Six

[DeathSkull]

Work on the next of course, but continue improving. Even the best authors of today learn something new each time they write. You're doing good, so keep on trekking.

-Death

[ReapDaWrapper]

Alrighty, I will work on the next chapter, but I fear I am too tired to write at the moment.

[DeathSkull]

Don't blame you, I'm slightly tired myself. Been procrastinating on writing all day. I think I managed to change a number in there somewhere and add a new line, so huzzah!

[ReapDaWrapper]

Don't blame you, I'm slightly tired myself. Been procrastinating on writing all day. I think I managed to change a number in there somewhere and add a new line, so huzzah!

Well, what are you doing right now? we could play on a server if you'd like.

[DeathSkull]

I actually started writing something, haha, but I dare not start playing this late. Busy day tomorrow and if I get on Trem you'll never get me away from it.

I'm looking through your newest chapter once again, and I think one more thing that you may want to work on is the use of "said". I used to use it a ton myself but after reading through some of my older work, how much I used it really annoyed me. Also, like you did with "secular", using more descriptive words can really help in painting the picture the story is supposed to show the reader (I'm going to use the word sly here). For example...

-------

"Follow me, rookies," Jim commanded, as if he were better than us or something.

"Who're you calling a rookie?" Pete replied, looking frustrated.

"Exhibit A," he shot back with a sly smile on his face.

I couldn't help but smirk as I patted Pete on the back. "Its okay, bro" I said. "We'll make him eat his words."

-------

Here I've eliminated the problem with using the word "said" too much, and I added a few little extra details in there to help show how each character is feeling. The natural insulted feeling that comes with being bestowed the title "rookie" (even if you are a rookie you sure as hell don't like to be reminded of it, especially by someone like Jim) is clearly felt by Pete, who shows it with frustration. Who is this guy, to call him a rookie?

Jim is naturally feeling smug and wise, being on the firing end. He clearly thinks he's better than the main character and his friend in both skill and wit (especially wit, as evidenced by his sly smile). And the main character, of course, appears to have taken this without breaking stride. He doesn't bother to let the insult sink in, instead assuring Pete that they'll show Jim just what they can do.

Another thing here is eliminating names. If you've got a distinctive "voice" for each character, the reader will be able to identify who it is just by them speaking. I'd say names are only really needed when you've got more than 3-4 characters talking all in the same vicinity. In the section of story above, there are three characters, but it's being told from the first person perspective of one of those three characters (who will always be identified with "I" and "me" and whatnot). That leaves two other characters (dialogue wise), and they are obviously conversing with each other so there's no need for a "Jim said" or a "Jim shot back" with his second line. Paying close attention and properly writing little bits like this go a long way towards improving the story.

Ok, I'm done for tonight. Gotta hit the sack!

Goodnight and good luck!

-Death

[ReapDaWrapper]

I actually started writing something, haha, but I dare not start playing this late. Busy day tomorrow and if I get on Trem you'll never get me away from it.

I'm looking through your newest chapter once again, and I think one more thing that you may want to work on is the use of "said". I used to use it a ton myself, but after reading through some of my older work, how much I used it really annoyed me. Also, like you did with "secular", using more descriptive words can really help in painting the picture the story is supposed to show the reader (I'm going to use the word sly here). For example...

-------

"Follow me, rookies," Jim commanded, as if he were better than us or something.

"Who're you calling a rookie?" Pete replied, looking frustrated.

"Exhibit A," he shot back with a sly smile on his face.

I couldn't help but smirk as I patted Pete on the back. "Its okay, bro" I said. "We'll make him eat his words."

-------

Here I've eliminated the problem with using the word "said" too much, and I added a few little extra details in there to help show how each character is feeling. The natural insulted feeling that comes with being bestowed the title "rookie" (even if you are a rookie you sure as hell don't like to be reminded of it, especially by someone like Jim) is clearly felt by Pete, who shows it with frustration. Who is this guy, to call him a rookie?

Jim is naturally feeling smug and wise, being on the firing end. He clearly thinks he's better than the main character and his friend in both skill and wit (as evidenced by his sly smile). And the main character, of course, appears to have taken this without breaking stride. He doesn't bother to let the insult sink in, instead assuring Pete that they'll show Jim just what they can do.

Another thing here is eliminating names. If you've got a distinctive "voice" for each character, the reader will be able to identify who it is just by them speaking. I'd say names are only really needed when you've got more than 3-4 characters talking all in the same vicinity. In the section of story above, there are three characters, but it's being told from the first person perspective of one of those three characters (who will always be identified with "I" and "me" and whatnot). That leaves two other characters (dialogue wise), and they are obviously conversing with each other so there's no need for a "Jim said" or a "Jim shot back" with his second line. Paying close attention and properly writing little bits like this go a long way towards improving the story.

Ok, I'm done for tonight. Gotta hit the sack!

Goodnight and good luck!

-Death

That really fixed it up. I will tend to look at this in doubt, and maybe make my sentences/paragraphs better.

Thanks again, Death.

[ReapDaWrapper]

Chapter 5: The End?

I stepped forward, observing the forward area. There was a sudden roar among us. Our faces were still and pale. The floor shook as the creature stomped in from behind a large pile of crates. This thing was my worst nightmare, and I had no where to run.

"Classified Name: Tyrant"

"Oh, shit" Pete mumbled, looking dead.

The beast roared once more as it charged at us. We blasted our Rifles while struggling backwards.

I couldn't help it. I wasn't going to watch my friend die. "Pete, get the hell out of here!"

Pete looked at me, shocked. "No way, man. We fight together until the end!" and fired away.

He gave me a look of courage, and charged forward at the beast, knocking it into the wall. I kept firing, thinking the worst. The Tyrant swung forward with it's massive claws. Pete took a large hit to the chest. Blood dripped, and his teeth gritted. He fired upward at it's head. I also continued to fire. I won't let my friend die.
The Tyrant's claws raised once again.

"Move, Pete!"

I quickly rushed forward, jumping in front of Pete.

All was Black

I saw mist, all in the air. I was floating. I looked around, worried. Images of my life appeared in the mist. My Son. My Wife. Everything I've lived for, and cared for. Was I dead? If not, where am I?

Light had appeared through the mist, surrounding me. Soon enough, there was nothing. I had awaken.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a medical room, on a bed. A doctor came in and she smirked, "I was wondering when you would wake up"

"Where am I?"  "Wait, Wheres Pete!?"

"Pete?", She replied, looking confused. Her face returned normal and smiled, "Ohhh, your friend. He's right outside"

I was relieved.

"I'll go out and get him really quick. Hold on."

I looked out the window as she was talking to Pete. He was out of his armor. He rose up and came in.

"How are you doing, man?"

"Not so well, I'm afraid." Then I realized what happened earlier. "Shouldn't you be fighting?"

"They believe they fought off the rest of the aliens, and that sector is being

[DeathSkull]

<_<

Is being... what? Also:

I had awaken.

Should be: I had awakened.

A doctor came in and she smirked

This might work, but it'd read a lot better if it were more like: A doctor came in with a smirk on her face.

Even then, I'm not completely sure the doctor would be smirking.

smirk [smɜːk]
n
a smile expressing scorn, smugness, etc., rather than pleasure

Going by that definition, it looks like our old pal Jim would be the one smirking, whereas the doctor would most likely be smiling. So the line would be more like:  The doctor came in, a warm smile on her face.

Those are just two things I decided to elaborate on. Incomplete story is not kosher, so let's see the rest! 

-Death

[ReapDaWrapper]

Sorry. Had to get off quick, and It's Thanksgiving so I had to spend a lot of time with the family. I don't want to write at the moment.

[DeathSkull]

Yeah, I had a totally awesome day too.

What I always do with writing is open a document on the computer, write in that till I'm done, save it, and then copy/paste it on here. That way my work is on my HDD safe and sound, plus everyone else is reading it as intended.

[ReapDaWrapper]

Yea. I'm going to copy it all to a document and write it from there.

What did you do for Thanksgiving?

[DeathSkull]

Went out to dinner with a few close family members. I'm totally stuffed, lol.