Author Topic: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)  (Read 8986 times)

Windpoison

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My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« on: May 28, 2010, 07:42:43 pm »
Humanity had almost completely used up Earth's natural resources before they turned to the stars. They had built an\ single empire and controlled almost all the earth when they turned to the stars. Humanity was dying when they turned to the stars.

In the year 2298 the Empire Humanity had destroyed the last of the resistance cells and began focusing 
on the planet they lived on, Earth the war had nearly destroyed the planet, water was irradiated, crops harvests were failing and people were starving. Humanity had destroyed itself. Yet, there was still a glimmer of hope as the greatest minds created large spaceships capable of carrying entire nations. Humanity could survive...

Year 2750 Humanity had settled many Planets and had, Once again fallen into the cycle of war. Millions of people died and planets were occupied simply as mining depots for materials for war. The pointless war raged on until Humanity discovered a threat to its very existence...

   When Derek had volunteered to help fight the war he hadn't expected to be shipped away from his family with only one duffel bag with his prized possessions, only to become a repairman on a mining planet! After a month or two he had finally found he actually enjoyed his job, enjoyed seeing broken machines and robots seeming to rise from the dead. He even enjoyed spending time with many of the other workers. There were three things he disliked about his new job, He couldn't contact his wife, the constant fear of an enemy attack, and the food. All the food had to be shipped all the way from Omal, approximately 1 and a half light years away, so it was either in a can or flash frozen.
   Derek had gotten up that morning on the sunless, barren planet of Thentuuk, looked around his small, plain room, and got dressed. His only clothing was orange, and chemiluminescent in case the power failed. If the power failed it was his job to fix it, so he also carried a flashlight at all times.
   He finally left his room and went up the dimly lit,steel halls to the commons area. As he walked  into the commons area, a group room with a more homely look, bright lights, entertainment, and even a greenhouse, someone shouted “Derek!” excitedly. Derek look in the direction of the shout ant saw his wife, Jessica. “How did you manage to get here?” asked Derek as he hugged her.  She replied “The company has said all employees get a visit with there family every other year, I decided to come to you.”  “But, if I had come to you we could have enjoyed sunshine.” “But this way it was more of a surprise.” Another worker clad in orange walked over and asked is this your wife, Derek?” Derek turned and said “Niko! I thought you were in the infirmary, your leg better? This is my wife Jessica.” Niko bowed towards Jessica and said “Great to meet you, Derek has told me so much about you. Your hair looks amazing, is red your natural hair colour, or did you dye it to look like Derek's?” Jessica blushed having never had her hair complimented by a stranger before and replied “It's my natural colour, though I'm the only on with hair like this in my family.” Before Niko could reply a loudspeaker announced “Derek Kiltop must report to level 0, Sector 3. Generator breakdown in that sector. Other sectors not affected by power loss. Anyone in affected sectors should immediately report to their rooms. I repeat, Derek Kiltop must report to level 0, Sector 3. Generator breakdown in that sector. Other sectors not affected by power loss. Anyone in affected sectors should immediately report to their rooms.”



So that's like... the first chapter i guess. :-\
new to the forum

BlackX32

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2010, 04:08:08 pm »
it was good but you cut it off at a very unusual time so you left it hanging with no plot of what was happening
Pie is the food of the gods. Eat it and you will become AWSOME.

Demolution

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2010, 07:17:53 pm »
You repeat "when they turned to the stars" three times in a three sentence paragraph...

Clan [AC] - For all your air conditioning needs please visit: http://s1.zetaboards.com/AC_NoS/index/
my brain > your brain.
and i am VERY stupid.

Windpoison

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2010, 08:00:08 pm »
That was kind of on purpose... oh well. I've got more content if anyone wants it.

BlackX32

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2010, 08:14:48 pm »
it's a very good story it's just cutting it off at an inconvenient time. it's like saying this: and so there i was stabbing the beast. ok so you were stabbing the beast but does anything happen. but very good story.
Pie is the food of the gods. Eat it and you will become AWSOME.

Windpoison

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2010, 07:27:08 pm »
OK thanks for the help. Anyways i hope you don't mind the next chapter. I'll post if anyone asks.

DeathSkull

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2010, 08:20:39 pm »
Ahem.

Alright, where to start? As mentioned earlier, although the repeating words 'they turned to the stars' may have been intentional, it comes off as very clunky and ugly. I almost didn't want to read past that part. To add to that, there's a few punctuation and capitalization errors, such as: 'they lived on, Earth the war had'. The way it's written now, there should be a period after Earth and 'the' should be 'The'. Another example: 'Year 2750 Humanity had settled many Planets and had, Once'. Would be better with a ':' after 'Year 2750', 'Planets' should not be capitalized, and 'Once' should be 'once'.

Also of note, and I cannot stress this enough... always, always, always hit 'return' when someone new is speaking. You have your dialogue all running together and it's a horrible mess. The dialogue itself is leaning towards mediocre, but to have it all squished together... it only makes it worse. Also, the power of your story is in the details. Paint your environment with words.

A few pointers/ideas using the following portion of your story:

--------------

Derek rubbed his eyes as the door at the end of the hall opened. There, clad in a blue jumpsuit (which was the color code for all visitors, and they were all required to wear the suits when on the surface) was his wife, Jessica. With her red hair flowing down her back and over her shoulders and her green eyes sparkling like emeralds, Derek thought that she looked more angelic now than ever. For a moment he almost thought he was dreaming, but he'd clearly gotten out of bed not even a few hours ago. He pinched his arm just in case. It hurt.

"Derek!" she said, running towards him. He gathered her up in his arms and spun her around, holding her tight. Words could not express his joy. "I'm glad to see you too," she said as he put her down. She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek, running her fingers over the stubble on his face with a smirk. "You need to shave. Losing your grooming habits out here while you get dirty?"

Derek let out a quiet laugh and shook his head. "No, I just haven't had time to do it this week. Besides, there's no one out here to impress except a handful of grumpy miners."

--------------

Taking just a couple minutes of my time, I was able to change this...

'someone shouted “Derek!” excitedly. Derek look in the direction of the shout ant saw his wife, Jessica. “How did you manage to get here?” asked Derek as he hugged her.'

...into what you see above there. It's not all that difficult to do, you just need the proper words and the skill to place them in the right order and make them look good. Not only is it rather easy, but extremely fun!

I'm sure you could do much better with any future offerings, so give it a try and show us what you've got!

All the best to you and good luck!

-Death
Life is Temporary - Death is Eternal
{NoS} 4eva!
Check out my Tremulous novella:
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=11003.0

Windpoison

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2010, 03:44:39 am »
thanks DeathSkull, your writing is amazing. I will try to make it better when I get internet at home
« Last Edit: June 18, 2010, 02:17:46 pm by Windpoison »

Windpoison

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2011, 06:04:05 pm »
Haha, my writing just a year ago sucked. But then again, considering I only had crappy cellphone T9 typing to go with... Ughh.

Conzul

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2011, 09:42:07 pm »
Yay! Competition!

I was beginning to feel like a weirdo/loser/nerd/freakperson....no offense, Windpoison.

Windpoison

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2011, 12:10:35 am »
Yeah. This was like a year ago, and written on the ride home from school on my cell phone. Maybe I`ll try my hand at continuing this story, it`s kinda chopped off at a bad spot. Just read deathskulls fanfic writing tips, and think I can do a much better job. Making a plot outline now  :laugh:

Conzul

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Re: My Tremulous fan fic (Just started)
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2011, 01:57:33 am »
Yeah. This was like a year ago, and written on the ride home from school on my cell phone. Maybe I`ll try my hand at continuing this story, it`s kinda chopped off at a bad spot. Just read deathskulls fanfic writing tips, and think I can do a much better job. Making a plot outline now  :laugh:
HAH! That'll teach me to skim-read :P