Author Topic: Tides  (Read 6134 times)

A Spork

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Tides
« on: July 19, 2010, 04:16:26 am »
The foul stench of Death hung heavy in the air as the jet black sedans of the FBI team pulled up to the scene of this latest massacre. One of the officers surveying the scene, Detective Gonzales by his badge, turned to greet the agents as they exited their vehicles.

“Oh good, you’re here,  I’m afraid this is one is way out of our league.  Hopefully you’ll have some better luck with it than us.”

The oldest agent reached the Detective first. He greeted the man with a handshake and a smile.

“Glad to be of assistance. I’m SSA Garcia,” he said. Gesturing to his team, he added: “These are SSA’s Cooper, Walker, Greene, and Agent Brown.”

Gonzales gave each agent a once over as Garcia introduced them.

Brown was a pretty little thing you’d almost think would better fit on the college cheerleading squad instead of an FBI team dedicated to hunting down serial killers. That is, until you looked her in the eyes. There you could see the eyes of a fighter, an untamed lioness hidden within. Likely new to the team, She looks like she graduated from the academy yesterday Gonzales thought.

Walker looked to be your stereotypical FBI Agent. He seemed rather stiff in his neatly pressed black suit and short cropped blond hair. Probably about as by-the-books as they come.

Greene, on the other hand, was the polar opposite of Walker. He seemed much more laid back, sporting a goofy grin and casual posture, with a jovial nature about him.

Garcia himself had the gleam of a free, promising future in his eyes to offset his shuffling gait and salt-and-pepper hair. He must be nearly at the retirement mark Gonzales noted to himself.

The last one was Cooper; a man renowned in law enforcement for being both a royal pain in the neck and one of the best agents in the record books. Gonzales was glad that he wouldn’t have to be trying to lead him, as he was known to be a lone wolf who tended to ignore orders.

“Come with me,” Gonzales said, turning towards the open doorway of the house. “I’ll show you what’s inside. Never seen anything like it in my whole life.”

As he headed up the stairs, the team of agents fell into step behind him, single file, ready to discover the unknown.

To Be Continued...



_________________________

Many thanks to DeathSkull for his help with editing and whatnot. ALL HAIL THE BEARDSKULL!
« Last Edit: July 19, 2010, 04:20:36 am by A Spork »
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mooseberry

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Re: Tides
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2010, 06:49:15 am »
Death, Detective Don't need to be capitalized?
"Detective Gonzales by his badge" - Think about perspective. Who is reading his badge? The fbi agents haven't gotten to him yet and haven't been introduced. He knows his own name. So you are a narrator telling a story.. but in an awkward way. Why can't you say detective Gonzales? Why does the narrator have to read his badge? It breaks the flow and sets a bad precedent.

Why is Brown introduced as an agent? That could use explaining. And why is she introduced as being so deadly, then you say she just came out of the academy? Doesn't seem to fit.

I don't know if free promising future is the look in a grizzled agent. That's what you're going for no? I'd think about rewording that. On a more technical note Gonzales shouldn't be "noting" this to himself, as it isn't fact, but a guess, so it should say "Gonzales thought to himself." Or something similar.

I don't think the FBI keeps "record books".

It's very short, and as far as I can tell, has absolutely nothing to do with tremulous... but not bad.
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DeathSkull

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Re: Tides
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2010, 07:16:32 am »
I've been off my rocker all day because of bad stuff, so I didn't scrutinize every single letter. Pointed out the bulk of the errors and moved along. I should note that the story does not feature all of my edits (I didn't see the finalized version till it was posted). Some of them got lost in the flow, I think, hence why you see a few bumps here and there.

Anyways, on to the main stuff: it's short, but then again, it supposedly had the same word count as the first chapter in The Harder They Fall, so yeah, we know how that all ended up. The story will improve as time goes on. Nice first chapter, and it'd be interesting to see more.

Good start, Sporkeh!
Life is Temporary - Death is Eternal
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Check out my Tremulous novella:
http://tremulous.net/forum/index.php?topic=11003.0

A Spork

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Re: Tides
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2010, 08:27:35 am »
@Mooseberry: Detective is a title, so it should be capitalized.
SSA = Supervisory Special Agent, which is a higher rank, Brown is a rookie, she hasn't earned the rank yet. As for the fighter bit, how does being a rookie make someone less lethal? Less experienced, yes, but potentially as lethal.
And the whole trem stuff is still to come.

@DeathSkull: I'm pretty sure this is the same version I sent you last, save for maybe a few puncuation fixes...

Anyways, thanks for the comments!
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mooseberry

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Re: Tides
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2010, 09:01:29 am »
As for the fighter bit, how does being a rookie make someone less lethal? Less experienced, yes, but potentially as lethal.

What do you think the point of training is then? With experience comes lethality...  :P Anyway, whether or not you believe that, in the modern day English speaking world we are a part of, "graduated out of the academy yesterday" implies rookie, greenhorn, wet behind the ears, not deadly. That is a first-read reaction I guarantee most people will have upon reading that sentence. All I'm suggesting is a bit of rewording that isn't so self conflicting, it's not hard to do.
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Conzul

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Re: Tides
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2010, 01:43:02 pm »
A title should be capitalized only when it appears at the beginning of a sentence, or before a proper name.

mooseberry

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Re: Tides
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2010, 07:58:01 pm »
A title should be capitalized only when it appears at the beginning of a sentence, or before a proper name.

Oh yes, and this.
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unimunk

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Re: Tides
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2010, 12:02:53 pm »
I love you. Here's a basenade <3   :reactor: :grenade:

A Spork

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Re: Tides
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2011, 07:30:51 pm »
Chapter Two: Dead On Arrival

The scene that greeted them was a gruesome one indeed. The floor of the living room was a deep shade of burgundy, punctuated by dismembered limbs and the bodies they belonged to.
   
   “Fred, can you give us a minute?” the detective asked a slim man with a camera who was photographing the scene. The man nodded and slipped away silently.

“Three victims this time around, two roommates and a girlfriend by the looks of it,” the detective commented as the agents took in the scene.

“C.O.D same as the other victims?” Brown questioned.

“All three of these poor souls died from blood loss, or so it seems,” said a solemn voice emanating from behind them as a rather short man who looked to be in his fifties entered the room. “Sorry, where are my manners? I'm Doctor Frank Bennett,” the man said, introducing himself. “And you must be the FBI team who’s come to lend us a hand.” The doctor made his way around the bodies as he talked. “They were painfully aware, no pun intended, of the fate that was to befall them (for a few moments anyways) until they mercifully fell to the effects of cerebral hypoxia and felt no more.”

   “What about the murder weapon? Any ideas on what it would be?” Walker asked.

   “Perhaps  a knife of some sort, possibly several different ones since these wounds don’t all appear to be of a uniform depth or shape. There’s definitely a method in this madness however.  If you look closely you'll see that, as with the other victims, the major musculature has been fairly carefully removed, and the lower digestive tract seems strangely untouched.”
   
   “Any chance this is just some wild animal?” Cooper questioned as he digested the facts that were being given to him.

   “I highly doubt it. This seems far to precise to be just a run of the mill mauling, although the removal of musculature could suggest the killer may eat some part of his victims as part of his MO. I am, however, just a humble ME, so I could be way off base with that suggestion.”

Brown shuddered at the thought of this being the work of some kind of cannibalistic psychopath. “Just what I was hoping for: a cannibalistic serial killer,” she muttered, her words dripping with sarcasm. “Always wanted to play hide and seek with one of those…”

Greene made his way over the bodies, pausing at the first one. "Hmmmmm" he muttered, reaching down and dipping the tip of his little finger in the pool of blood. He lifted the blood-covered tip of his finger to eye level and looked intently at it, before lowering it to nose level and taking a deep whiff. After he finished his "analysis" Greene wiped the blood off on the sleeve of one of the DOA's. At this, Walker just snapped. He suddenly charged Greene, knocking him back a few steps. With a swift left hook and then a right he gave Greene a bloody nose.

As Cooper slipped out the door during the scuffle, he pondered the mysteries of the scene that lay behind him. As he paced outside, he noticed a faint trail in the brush behind the house. Intrigued, he set off along the trail to see where it would lead him…

"Walker! Get a hold of yourself man!" Garcia shouted, but he wasn't listening. As Walker cocked his arm back for another swing, there was a glint of steel and a flash of movement, and suddenly Walker found himself spun on his heels with a knife at his throat. "Calm down John," Brown said in a hushed tone, her blade mere millimetres from his jugular. There was fury in Walker's eyes for a lingering moment, but as he realized who he was looking at, his anger was dampened and he relaxed. "Sorry..." he murmured as he backed away, trying to calm his addled nerves.
   "Whoa," Greene whispered, wide-eyed. "Note to self: never, EVER get on her bad side..." Doc Bennett, drawn by the commotion, began to tend to Greene's bloody nose as Garcia pulled Walker aside for a little 'chat'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   As he was being reprimanded by Garcia, Walker noticed something was amiss. “Where’s Cooper?” Walker asked, realizing that he was no longer in the room.
“What do you mean? He’s right there…” Garcia trailed off, realizing that Cooper was in fact missing. The agents rushed out the door to try and find him, but he was long gone.
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