Author Topic: Nightmares in the Dark  (Read 4396 times)

CreatureofHell

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Nightmares in the Dark
« on: September 15, 2010, 08:10:55 pm »
Just wrote this as I felt I had to do something. DeathSkull proofread so blame him if there are mistakes  ;) I also bounced some ideas off him so <3

Chapter 1 - Nightmares in the Dark

I peered around the door into the inky blackness of the corridor, my eyes adjusting to the dim light. It was worryingly quiet. I signalled to my team to advance as we were running out of time. We walked as softly as we could, making almost no discernible noise while making our way down the corridor. The four of us moved in a symbiotic fashion down the hall, spinning and twisting, listening for the tinniest sound that would alert us were the aliens to attack. We reached the end of the hallway and perceiving nothing unusual we prepared to enter the next room. I punched the door panel and dropped down, ready for battle.

Nothing happened. I tried the door panel again but the door remained unresponsive. It was at this point we started to hear a sign of alien activity. Further down the hall we heard a crash as one of the vent covers flew off, smashing into the opposite wall. Tech quickly busied himself with the door, ripping off the panel casing and tinkering with the circuitry. The rest of us took cover behind the various crates at this end of the hall and stared into the darkness, waiting for the alien horde. A moment passed and yet it seemed like an eternity until we heard the sound of dretch feet pattering towards us. I let loose with a few bullets; years of practice had honed my aim, the bullets striking the dretch with lethal accuracy in the dark. Another moment of silence passed. We knew the aliens would have to be cautious now; the next attack would come with far more force. The noise of dozens of dretches rushing towards you is never a happy occasion so all three of us fired into the blackness of space.

The sound of dretches squealing in pain brought little satisfaction to my heart as I knew that unless we got the door open we would not survive the following few minutes. I dropped, and not a moment too soon, as a dretch flew through the area that had contained my head just moments before. Time seemed to slow as I emptied what remained of my clip into the vile creature.

“How much time?!” I shouted over the din of bullets and squeals.

“About two more minutes!” Tech yelled back. “This room is sealed tighter than a monkey’s bum!”

I whipped out my blaster and decided to go Rambo on the aliens. I charged out, a battle cry on my lips and started shooting anything that moved, weaving in and out of the aliens, as if it were a graceful dance. I ducked as one dretch flew towards my head, shot it with my rifle while blasting another dretch with my side arm. I was so full of adrenaline that I lost track of time and place and instead I put all my concentration into the deadly dance of battle. Before I knew it I was knee deep in a pile of dead aliens and the attack had ceased. The rest of the team were standing by the open door with looks of incredulity on their faces.

“Warn us before you do something like that next time!” exclaimed Dez, grabbing me and ruffling my hair. “We thought you were toast Chief!”

“Not when I have you guys watching my back,” I replied with a wink. “Let’s go forward and find out just what the hell’s been going on here!”
{NoS}StalKer
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Xedoh

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Re: Nightmares in the Dark
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2010, 08:27:19 pm »
Great stuff, but a bit short atm. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I really want to know what's going on. MOAR!
Wisdom starts where knowledge ends.

DeadMeat

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Re: Nightmares in the Dark
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2010, 12:27:55 am »
moar plox!  :)

mooseberry

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Re: Nightmares in the Dark
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2010, 07:57:28 am »
Not sure symbiotic is the word you are looking for. It's not really meant to be used the way I think you were trying to.

Tinniest would mean "the most tinny" - the metal

"I let loose with a few bullets; years of practice had honed my aim, the bullets striking the dretch with lethal accuracy in the dark" The bullets striking the dretch(es).... did what? This sentence doesn't make sense, it seems like you got distracted.

"We knew the aliens would have to be cautious now; the next attack would come with far more force. The noise of dozens of dretches rushing towards you is never a happy occasion so all three of us fired into the blackness of space." The connection here is very confusing. As far as I can tell, the alien swarm hasn't come while the first sentence is being written, but the second one seems a response to their attack. I feel like you are missing a sentence describing them actually coming. It feels a bit awkward as written.

The end is alright, but seems to be a bit lacking in content. :P Keep up the work.

As a final note on the overall feel of the writing, I'm not really liking some of the verb tense and sentence structure. It is hard to put into words but basically it sucks lol. No, just kidding, but things like "It was at this point we..." Just say, "We heard..." You are just beating around the bush and making your writing longer than it should be.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]

मैं हिन्दी का समर्थन

~Mooseberry.

Conzul

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Re: Nightmares in the Dark
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2010, 03:41:48 pm »
This is good work.