I was digging around in my rxn directory on pq today and discovered this gem. I originally wrote it on the somethingawful.com forums before getting banned, thought i'd repost here as it has nothing to do with tremulous but is still quite teh funnay (this is 100% TRUE, I swear by it)
(WARNING LONG POST, DOESN'T GET GOOD TIL LATER, SCROLL TO THE GOOD PART IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE BACKGROUND, ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT ENJOY IT)
It all started today when I posted something on a local personals listing looking for some company. Okay, so looking for quick and easy sex. Low and behold I got a reply. This girl was my age, in good shape, and a brunette. I was sold. (later I will learn to hate the internet)
I emailed back and forth, one thing lead to another and we started chatting on AIM. It was pretty hot and steamy (I'm saving the details because you'll realize you won't want them after you read the below) and we both seemed like a good match. I was happy I found someone after I broke up with my ex, and this girl seemed like a perfect bed friend or possibly relationship later down the line.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM: I didn't have her pic
Now, I'm not an adrenaline junky, but I decided to take a chance (FUCK) and let things slide. She would at least have a nice body right even if the looks department was lacking. And hell, I'd get a good friend out of it even if not.
So in my excitement, I propose we go out tonight. She agrees (fully, I should have known by her enthusiasm to date someone of my average looks) and I go to pick her up.
She says she'll be wearing a red tshirt and jeans. Great. HOT even. I'm thinking this girls gonna blow me away (she already agreed to blow me, ROOFLE)
THE GOOD PART
I'm pulling up then in my car and theres a group of people standing outside her apartments. I scan the perimeter looking for my mate, when my eyes suddenly focus on this hideous gargoyle. It has crooked teeth, and each one has been delicately spaced from it's adjacent neighbor, creating a myrad of gaps big enough to fill with a piece of chex in between each one. My eyes blur, not wanting to take in the rest of her, but right as I'm about to turn my head to look for the girl, I notice this beast is wearing a red tshirt. My heart stops. Thats her? This is her? She said she was cute. Her body was in fact true to her word, nice c cup breasts, bombalicious ass, but her face. OH GOD HER FACE.
Unfortunately I had told her what car I was driving before I left, she then locked on to me. 'You lose fuck face!' my mind keeps reiterating to me. She timidly approaches the car with a smile. A smile of those horrible monsterous teeth when my eyes then detect the rest of her features. Her brow was oversized like that of a primate, and much like a primate she had small sunken in eyes. Her head was about 2 times too small for her body proportion, I suppose a self defense in case predators mistook her head for a tomatoe.
Please god know let her move on! She then recognized me from the picture I sent. She happily clambered in the car, and then I experienced the second most horrific thing that night. Her voice. Imagine Gimly from Lord of the Rings, only much higher with alot more raspiness. Good god could this be happening to me? Yes, yes it was. And yes, yes I am a loser.
We go out and eat, during the whole time I can't even look up at her. I chew my food very very slowly as to not have to speak to it, although it rambeled on about every little detail that happened in it's day. I stared at my food. Stare at the food Chris, stare at the food. Stare at the food OH FUCK YOU JUST LOOKED AT HER. Now I can't eat. For the first time in my life I couldn't eat because of someone.
As we're driving back, per our original agreement, I bought dinner for a blowjob. Oh jesus christ. Just kill me right now. Send a lightning bolt down so I don't have to relive this horror.
She begins grabbing my nether region, caressing it with her liver spotted hands (YES THEY WERE LIVER SPOTTED WTF???) I'm frozen like a deer in headlights. On one hand, I'm gonna get off and not have to see her face. Maybe I can picture someone else like J-LO giving me head. On the other hand, SHE'S the one going to get me off. My mind plays badmitten with the thought of the two, when suddenly like a bird homing in on a worm, she unzips me and begins pulling me out of my hiding place. RUN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN MINI-ME! It was too late, by the time he was inside I could feel her mutant teeth scraping against my soft man flesh.
As if by man instinct, I reached my hand into her pants (through the back way cause she was bending over me) to try and grab some poontang. When my hand suddenly felt something pasty. OH LAWDY NO!!! I was confused, was it ass paste from a sweaty ass or was she dry. She was probably dry. Was she dehydrated? Women don't make alot of juice, sometimes it pasty when that happens. Ever so cautiously, I slip my hand from out of her pants and sniff my fingers. I think she realized this at the time because she paused for a moment, then resumed.
So what did it smell like? TACOS! The most indistinguishable smell on the human body. That could be armpit, nasty vagina, really nasty ass, or some kind of chemical this beast secrets when it's horny. I didn't care to ask.
I'm now brought back into the moment. She's blowing me. Oh shit. Think of J-LO, think of J-LO. And within a Bundy minute I was off. Thank god for not getting laid for four months.
As I was dropping her off, with her saliva still on my manhood, she gives me a quick smile (OH GOD THE SMILE) and kisses me (OH SHIT) on the lips then bids me goodnight. 'You won't flake on me tomorrow right?'. 'Sure honey'. The word honey has never been so hard to spit out without a look of disgust on my face. And with that I was off.
I raced home like nascar making it towards the finish. I quickly jumped out of my car and ran straight for the shower, throwing my clothes off in my anxiety. I scrubbed my crotch until it was almost red with soap. GET CLEAN GET CLEAN DAMN YOU. I was petrified, if a woman can have that horrible of a face, who knows what diseases she might carry. SCRUB SCRUB SCRUB. When I came to, I dried myself off and curled into a ball, weeping like a child. I have never had a traumatic experience before, it was my first time.
I wanted to get things off my mind. I started up a game of Warcraft 3, but for each orcish peon that was chopping my lumber or collecting my gold, I could see her face. The resemblence is uncanny.
