Orion Six

[ReapDaWrapper]

I said that this was like Cosmonauts, Alien Camp Series. I don't think so anymore. His are funny, and mine are serious.



Chapter 1: The Barracks

"Dylan, throw me a soda.", said Peter. "Sure thing, buddy" I said, as I tossed it to him, hitting his head. "Ow" he said, "What the hell was that for?". I was about to make another smart remark as soon as the Sarge walked in. We turned around. "Marines. We are going on a flight to Orion 6". "Lock and Load, so we can get off this base". All of the marines in the Mess Hall marched into the barracks room, grabbing our weapons. Peter took the M-340 Recoiless Chaingun, and I took my sweet, sweet AA-12 Shotgun. "Hey, Dylan.." Pete said, looking dreadful, "Do you think we're gonna make it through this?". "Don't hesitate, Pete" I said, "Just don't think about it".

Once we got off the ship, the first thing I noticed was that the sky was red, and a storm was brewing. We treaded across the heavy snow. Our squad was entering this.. this ancient cavern. Our goal was to eliminate the threat that was occurring when the NASA space team landed on this planet. They spoke of demons or monsters, but I think it's a bunch of rubbish. "Holy shit, what in the hell happened?" said a nearby marine. "I guess one member of the space team got left behind, and eaten." I looked over to find the scattered carcass of a space team member. I could barely stand the sight nor the horrid smell. "Alright men. There's a blood trail and we are going to follow it." the sarge said, forming the men up. "It looks like we just entered Hell".

[ReapDaWrapper]

No Replies  


Chapter 2: Ravaging Beasts

We were making our way through the dark tunnels, hoping not to get lost. I looked over to vaguely see something lurking out behind a rock. I shook my head, trying to stay focused. "Rurhh-Rah!!" I flinched as I looked over to see a fellow comrade's neck being ripped off. There was no hesitation before the rain of shells started. I advanced over the hallway, and "Rurhh-Rah!!!", it had lunged at me. I acted fast and swung my fist, and the creature was slammed to the floor. "You can't defeat the Metal, Bitch!", I said with courage, as I pulled the trigger, releasing a full shell in its Thorax. A soldier flashed his light on the creature, as we all tried to identify it. "Nice going, Dylan" "Now all we can see is blood and guts", said a soldier. I avoided the taunt and looked at it again. "Who knows whats further up there" "This was probably just a Drone", I said, cautiously. "Lets continue and find out what we are up against", said the Sarge. "Peter, make a radio call that we have just encountered something.", Sarge said. "Uhh.. Guys.. The radio connection has been out ever since we entered the cavern", Pete said. "What in the hell were you thinking, man! We are fucked now". We all stood around for a moment, as dread came upon us. Luckily, we had found our way back and reached the signal again. We had to return to base. The feeling of dread was gone, for now at least.

We froze our asses off for hours before the ship finally arrived, and we all came aboard. When the ship was in space, and ready for hyper speed, I sat back and prepared. I heard the engines roar for about one second, and then I felt nothing.. Like I was weightless, and because I could feel nothing, I could not look around. It was a strange and mysterious feeling. At the moment I was filled with curiosity, but I stopped myself from getting side tracked. The hyper speed travel period was finally over and we had just entered Earth's atmosphere.

Later that afternoon, in the Mess Hall, Me and Pete were talking about the creature we had seen on Orion Six. "I don't ever want to have to go back to that place, man" Pete said. "I fear we have to, Pete", I said, enjoying my meal. Possibly my.. Last meal. The food here was actually pretty decent. Today we had Steak, and Potatoes. I was finishing my meal, when I looked over to the entrance of the Mess Hall, to see a creature similar to the one on Orion Six. I double taked and wiped my eyes. It was still there. My heart pounded furiously. "Oh, Shit!"

[Hendrich]

No Replies   

Aw, so sad you want hug?

But seriously, nice job. Moar!

[CreatureofHell]

No Replies 

I wasn't impressed.

I didn't really want to post a negative reply for fear of dampening your enthusiasm, but, because you insisted, I have

[Hendrich]

Good thing that I have low expectations.

[ReapDaWrapper]

No Replies  

I wasn't impressed.

I didn't really want to post a negative reply for fear of dampening your enthusiasm, but, because you insisted, I have

Well I would like some constructive criticism. I can handle it. Just tell me what you don't like about it.  

[ReapDaWrapper]

Chapter 3: The Battlesuits  

  "Pete" I whispered, not wanting to freak everyone out. "Dude, I saw one of the creatures from O-6". "What?", Pete replied, looking over. "Just follow me, and don't make a scene just yet" I said. We walked through the corridor with our blasters, down the stairs, and into the maintenance room. "What the fuck.." I said, staring into a hell hole. All of this organic slime was all over the walls, and there was horrifying structures oozing with goo. I looked over to see a few 'different' creatures. These were not like the one we saw on O-6. This one was green and bloated.   Scared shitless, We started shooting at the creatures and the martian structures. "Pete, get the hell to the HQ and alert everyone!", I yelled. Pete took off, as I continued to shoot the creatures. They fired obsidian spiked objects towards me. I side-stepped, avoiding each shot. I saw three of the creatures on O-6 come out behind the largest alien structure.       I hesitated, then ran. I ran faster than I ever had, even faster than when I was in training. Once I reached the barracks, I took a long breath. "Marines, Lock and load! The aliens from Orion Six have somehow reached our planet! We have to stop them now!!", I yelled to the soldiers. They looked shocked for a second, then rushed to get their ammo loaded. I grabbed my AA-12, and took off back to the aliens location. The other few marines were right behind me. We met at the location with plenty of more marines, as we rushed in firing away. Shells flew everywhere as we tore this place to hell. Tubes shooting green acid splattered over some of the marines, melting them to liquid. The bloated green aliens took off through the ventilation systems. I hurried to the vents and shot up them. One of the green creatures blew in half, falling back down. "1 down, 3 left", I said. I saw Peter behind me. He followed me through the corridor, past the alien base to check for more of those bastards. "This is, Not good", Pete said. We walked into one of the storage rooms. This one was infested.. badly. The whole storage room, which was 400 ft x 324 ft, was filled with the aliens and their structures. I heard a vague sound of metal clanging against the ground. I turned around, and found myself glaring at a Battlesuit soldier.   These soldiers were highly untouchable to any of the marines. They only came in at serious emergencies, and when I say serious, I mean... Serious. I stared in awe as the soldiers marched past us, thinking nothing of it. I stood behind them, as they were firing their 'Big Boy Guns', as known as, Lucifer Cannons. An extremely deadly weapon that shoots blasts of Radiation. As they were firing their Cannons, Loud Roars penetrated our ears, and giant beasts came out of the boxes and rushed at the soldiers.   They fired large blasts at the beasts, killing one, and one of the soldiers was mauled. Pete and I ran out of the room, struggling to get back to the base.

[mooseberry]

I don't like emoticons in stories.

[ReapDaWrapper]

I don't like emoticons in stories.

Lol okay.. I won't use them, but what is your opinion on the story?

[your face]

aa-12s ftw.

[agkokogrubby]

maybe moar paragraphs with moar plot and double space? seems to work for the successful writers (DeathSkull, Hendrich, me?)

[CreatureofHell]

It needs spacing and organizing. At the moment it is one large paragraph which makes it harder to read.

[agkokogrubby]

Capitals, proper grammar, correct spelling...even though these sound like menial things, they're important as the reader subconciously picks up on every tiny mistake. Try to brush down on your story, and I suggest a new paragraph with every new person that's talking.

Also, 1st person is kinda hard to write. In sci-fi stories, people generally stray away from a 1st person view because it foreshadows that the main character is NOT going to die, which, for some reason, deters readers. It seems readers want the main character to die more often than not. But I congratulate you on your try (:

[mooseberry]

Capitals, proper grammar, correct spelling...even though these sound like menial things, they're important as the reader subconciously picks up on every tiny mistake.

I'm just going to sit here and take in what you said for a while.
 
.
.
.

Ok, spelling and grammar actually do not sound like menial things when you're WRITING A STORY IN THE WRITTEN LORE SECTION. Did you hear that sometimes people get in trouble for killing people too?

and I suggest a new paragraph with every new person that's talking.

Why yes, indeed.

Also, 1st person is kinda hard to write. In sci-fi stories, people generally stray away from a 1st person view because it foreshadows that the main character is NOT going to die, which, for some reason, deters readers. It seems readers want the main character to die more often than not.

I have no idea where you're getting either of those ideas. 1.) I've read plenty first person stories where the main character died, (well plenty is a relative term, but not many books have the main characters killed anyways.) 2.) Pretty sure the reason that in +-90% of successful fiction the main character survives is because that's more popular. (Going through the story creating an emotional bond with the most important person just to see him die is not very rewarding to the reader.)

Now if you combine these two ideas, I'm really confused. Are you actually saying that the reason most scifi stories are in 3rd person (which, by the way, isn't really correct) is because if you used 1st person the readers would be disappointed upon receiving a sub concious idea that the main character will die?

[agkokogrubby]

I'm sorry, I typed the wrong word. I mean miniscule instead of menial. My bad (:

When you say that you've read many 1st person stories where the main character dies, is the main character in that story the person who's talking/writing in 1st person? Because if that's so, and he dies....it kinda doesn't make sense, because...well...it leaves the reader hanging. I mean, you can't have an epilogue written when you're dead, can you?

From what I've read (Halo, Starcraft(not so much), War of the Worlds, The Invisible Man), they're in 3rd person. And they're pretty successful. But iunno, that might just be me.

[mooseberry]

When you say that you've read many 1st person stories where the main character dies, is the main character in that story the person who's talking/writing in 1st person? Because if that's so, and he dies....it kinda doesn't make sense, because...well...it leaves the reader hanging. I mean, you can't have an epilogue written when you're dead, can you?

Well obviously it's either at the very end of the story or there are multiple characters.

[DeathSkull]

Like mooseberry said above, usually if a first person character dies it'll be the last event in the book or there's multiple characters and they're all written in first person. I'd find the second option to be rather awkward; if I were to write a book in first person (and use multiple characters), I'd have the main character be in first person and stick with third person for the others (even if the narration stops following the main character).

I hope you won't mind, but I've decided to do an example with part of the first paragraph of your first chapter (which is only two paragraphs long anyways, you really need to work on fleshing out what you write).

So, without further ado:

----------

"Dylan, throw me a soda."

I'd been busy cleaning my rifle, and I was irritated that my concentration had broken for such a meager task as this. Grumbling quietly, I sat the dismembered pieces of my weapon aside and reached down into the icebox beside me for a can of Nuka-Cola.

"And make sure it isn't one of the new ones. Those are still warm and I hate warm soda!"

Grumbling some more (a bit louder this time but not quite loud enough for him to hear), I dug my hand underneath the layer of ice cubes and grabbed the first freezing can I could find, my fingers already going numb. I tossed it to him, putting my hand in my pocket in hopes of quickly warming my fingers up. He didn't bring his hands up in time to catch it (I sometimes thought it was almost like he had a 5 lb weight dangling from each finger) and it hit him right in the forehead with a thud.

"Geez, watch where you throw things," he said, catching the cola before it hit the floor. I shook my head and smiled, then told him to sit his whiny ass down and wait before opening it.

"If you do it now it'll probably fizz all over the damn floor."

He did what I suggested and fell silent, and I turned back to my weapon. After I finished cleaning it, I reassembled the pieces and placed it in the armory by the wall, punching in the code to shut the door and lock it. "Well, I'm glad that's done."

"All in a days work, isn't it?" Peter said from his place on the couch, a loud pop filling the room as he cracked open his Nuka-Cola.

"I suppose it is."

Just as I was considering getting my own drink (I wasn't much for sugary stuff myself, but I certainly didn't abhor it), the Sarge walked in and he didn't look happy in the slightest. He never really did; I suppose the day I saw a happy Sarge would be the day he walked off the job. Anyways, his facial expression wasn't what attracted my attention, but the folder he was holding in his hand. I remember thinking to myself that this was going to be trouble, and Peter, who was no bright bulb himself, asked the (probably) most asked question in the world.

"What's that?"

"Trouble," the Sarge replied, never one to carry a conversation (the most he ever talked between breaths was when he was giving orders).

Can't say I didn't tell you, can you?

----------

See, what I've done here is taken the first 2-3 lines of your story and transformed it into what you see above.

But that's just an example of how I'd write it if I were doing it. I'm not overly fond of first person writing myself; it comes under a lot of criticism at times for being too repetitive ( and I can concur with that). All the I's and me's and whatnot end up getting to you eventually. How you write your story is completely up to you, but if you really want it to be successful, you've got to make it presentable. Put yourself in the reader's seat. Would you enjoy reading it if someone else had written it? If not, go back and try again. Only stop when you believe you've done the best you can.

And with that, I'm off for the night. I'll be interested in seeing how your future publications go.

-Death

[ReapDaWrapper]

Like mooseberry said above, usually if a first person character dies it'll be the last event in the book or there's multiple characters and they're all written in first person. I'd find the second option to be rather awkward; if I were to write a book in first person (and use multiple characters), I'd have the main character be in first person and stick with third person for the others (even if the narration stops following the main character).

I hope you won't mind, but I've decided to do an example with part of the first paragraph of your first chapter (which is only two paragraphs long anyways, you really need to work on fleshing out what you write).

So, without further ado:

----------

"Dylan, throw me a soda."

I'd been busy cleaning my rifle, and I was irritated that my concentration had broken for such a meager task as this. Grumbling quietly, I sat the dismembered pieces of my weapon aside and reached down into the icebox beside me for a can of Nuka-Cola.

"And make sure it isn't one of the new ones. Those are still warm and I hate warm soda!"

Grumbling some more (a bit louder this time but not quite loud enough for him to hear), I dug my hand underneath the layer of ice cubes and grabbed the first freezing can I could find, my fingers already going numb. I tossed it to him, putting my hand in my pocket in hopes of quickly warming my fingers up. He didn't bring his hands up in time to catch it (I sometimes thought it was almost like he had a 5 lb weight dangling from each finger) and it hit him right in the forehead with a thud.

"Geez, watch where you throw things," he said, catching the cola before it hit the floor. I shook my head and smiled, then told him to sit his whiny ass down and wait before opening it.

"If you do do it now it'll probably fizz all over the damn floor."

He did what I suggested and fell silent, and I turned back to my weapon. After I finished cleaning it, I reassembled the pieces and placed it in the armory by the wall, punching in the code to shut the door and lock it. "Well, I'm glad that's done."

"All in a days work, isn't it?" Dylan said from his place on the couch, a loud pop filling the room as he cracked open his Nuka-Cola.

"I suppose it is."

Just as I was considering getting my own drink (I wasn't much for sugary stuff myself, but I certainly didn't abhor it), the Sarge walked in and he didn't look happy in the slightest. He never really did; I suppose the day I saw a happy Sarge would be the day he walked off the job. Anyways, his facial expression wasn't what attracted my attention, but the folder he was holding in his hand. I remember thinking to myself that this was going to be trouble, and Dylan, who was no bright bulb himself, asked the (probably) most asked question in the world.

"What's that?"

"Trouble," the Sarge replied, never one to carry a conversation (the most he ever talked between breaths was when he was giving orders).

Can't say I didn't tell you, can you?

----------

See, what I've done here is taken the first 2-3 lines of your story and transformed it into what you see above.

But that's just an example of how I'd write it if I were doing it. I'm not overly fond of first person writing myself; it comes under a lot of criticism at times for being too repetitive ( and I can concur with that). All the I's and me's and whatnot end up getting to you eventually. How you write your story is completely up to you, but if you really want it to be successful, you've got to make it presentable. Put yourself in the reader's seat. Would you enjoy reading it if someone else had written it? If not, go back and try again. Only stop when you believe you've done the best you can.

And with that, I'm off for the night. I'll be interested in seeing how your future publications go.

-Death

Please don't take my story and try to show me up. I know how to fucking write, but it's usually on paper. Read the story and like it or don't.

Simple.

Capitals, proper grammar, correct spelling...even though these sound like menial things, they're important as the reader subconciously picks up on every tiny mistake. Try to brush down on your story, and I suggest a new paragraph with every new person that's talking.

Also, 1st person is kinda hard to write. In sci-fi stories, people generally stray away from a 1st person view because it foreshadows that the main character is NOT going to die, which, for some reason, deters readers. It seems readers want the main character to die more often than not. But I congratulate you on your try (:

I've been writing for years. "But I congratulate on your try (:", I haven't even finished the story. I don't need advice from "Better Writers". Thats one thing that pisses me off while being in a forum. "Better", "Cooler", "Smarter". Just shut the hell up and play.

[DeathSkull]

No Replies  

I wasn't impressed.

I didn't really want to post a negative reply for fear of dampening your enthusiasm, but, because you insisted, I have

Well I would like some constructive criticism. I can handle it. Just tell me what you don't like about it.  

Hm, apparently this is not quite the truth. If you can't take criticism then don't say you can because when the reviews come in, we're going to know the truth. You expect to write like you do and get good reviews? Not going to happen (unless the poster in question has never read anything else in his life (minus Hendrich, <3 him)).

[ReapDaWrapper]

No Replies 

I wasn't impressed.

I didn't really want to post a negative reply for fear of dampening your enthusiasm, but, because you insisted, I have

Well I would like some constructive criticism. I can handle it. Just tell me what you don't like about it. 

Hm, apparently this is not quite the truth. If you can't take criticism then don't say you can because when the reviews come in, we're going to know the truth. You expect to write like you do and get good reviews? Not going to happen (unless the poster in question has never read anything else in his life (minus Hendrich, <3 him)).

No. I meant, stop starting fights in my thread. You want to argue over something stupid, make your own thread. I CAN take criticism, but it's just so ignorant to start a damn fight over a story.

[your face]

I would hardly call that "starting fights."  DeathSkull (and others) gave you some great pointers that you should listen to.  This is the tremulous forums, this is srs buzness.

[ReapDaWrapper]

I totally read everything wrong. Sorry death, thanks for the pointers. I had a shitty day so I was a little ticked off to start with. I will work on the future chapters, but more of what you said, because I know I can do it. Thanks for the pointers.

[mooseberry]

I was starting to make a big post calling you a hypocrite and a liar, but it seems you've sucked up enough now so I won't bother. All writers (and especially ones that ask for it) should be able to receive help. You have the start of some decent writing, but good grammar, spelling, and formatting will make it much more accessible to readers.

[DeathSkull]

No problem and no offense taken. I was a tad bit surprised at the initial outrage, especially after you asking for constructive criticism. Left me wondering whether you wanted it or not. 

But all is good and I look forward to your forthcoming chapters. With a bit of work and a lot of love , you can turn this into a great story for all to read.

Best wishes and good luck to you!

-DeathSkull

(Edit: Mooseberry is completely right. As a writer myself, I am on a continuous search for ways to improve my skills with the pen [the keyboard, rather].

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/

I found that site a while back, and there's a place where you can sign up for daily emails on writing tips. They also send a free Basic English Grammar e-book with the first email for you to download, and it really comes in handy. Along the way I often sometimes forget the exact proper wording to use during a situation, and one quick look can set me straight.

Hope this helps as well!)

-DS

[ReapDaWrapper]

No problem and no offense taken. I was a tad bit surprised at the initial outrage, especially after you asking for constructive criticism. Left me wondering whether you wanted it or not. 

But all is good and I look forward to your forthcoming chapters. With a bit of work and a lot of love , you can turn this into a great story for all to read.

Best wishes and good luck to you!

-DeathSkull

(Edit: Mooseberry is completely right. As a writer myself, I am on a continuous search for ways to improve my skills with the pen [the keyboard, rather].

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/

I found that site a while back, and there's a place where you can sign up for daily emails on writing tips. They also send a free Basic English Grammar e-book with the first email for you to download, and it really comes in handy. Along the way I often sometimes forget the exact proper wording to use during a situation, and one quick look can set me straight.

Hope this helps as well!)

-DS

Thanks, Death.

I was starting to make a big post calling you a hypocrite and a liar, but it seems you've sucked up enough now so I won't bother. All writers (and especially ones that ask for it) should be able to receive help. You have the start of some decent writing, but good grammar, spelling, and formatting will make it much more accessible to readers.

Wow. 

[ReapDaWrapper]

The last chapter was called 'Battlesuit' but I would like to rename this one to Battlesuit 

Chapter 4: V4 Battlesuit

So there we were, running away from the giant beasts who had infested our base.

Panting heavily, Pete said, "Dylan, we... we have to.. secure the other storage doors so they can't spread"

I was irritated and tired, but I groaned then said, "Come on".

We started off to the four way center of the corridor. I looked to the side and found the sign that had said, Sector 5. Thats where we were headed because two storage rooms had been unlocked.

"Alright, the codes are 6162, and 4361", said Pete.

We struggled to enter the codes, because to the side, were soldiers falling back. We finished entering the codes and took off down the hall.

Our Communicator devices blinked and a hologram of Sarge came up.

"Soldiers. The alien bastards have wiped out our soldiers in the storage room. I need you two to do something special. You guys will be equipping the new V4 Battlesuits. Head to the Armoury now!"

Pete and I were excited, but scared. Sweating, We hurried to the Armoury, passing a few soldiers firing at some of the minor aliens.

"Dylan, I just got a message saying they have identified all of the aliens with a specific name", Pete said. "They are programmed into the battlesuits and we will be able to identify what we are looking at."

I was pleased. "Thats good"

When we reached the armoury, two assistants suited us up. They were entering codes and we ran tests if everything was working right. Because we had this heavy armor, we also received an upgrade on our weapons. We were given the Pulse Rifle. It hadn't been my favorite gun, but I sighed and took it.

"This suit is heavy as hell!", Pete said.

"Were going to give those bastards a hell of a time"

I looked over at Jim. He was moaning about something as usual. He was a secular guy, never believed or had hope for anything. I figured soon enough he would learn. He marched with Pete and I down the hall, as we entered the corridor once more.

"Follow me, Rookies" Jim said.

"Who you calling Rookie?" Pete replied, looking frustrated.

"Exhibit A" he said.

I smirked somewhat, and patted Pete on the back, "Its okay, bro" I said.

The metal boots of our suits clanged against the concrete. Our position was surely given away by now, and It worried me. We reached our destination, the storage room. Jim took point, opening the door. I moved forward, past him. We walked behind some crates. I saw an outline of a small spider.

The text in the following words, "Classified Name: Dretch" Showed up near the outlined creature.

"Dretch spotted up there behind the bin" I said.

Jim slowly took out a ST-Grenade from a container in the suit. He pulled the top and threw it over the bin. All of us crouched down, and 'BOOM' the grenade exploded, deafening us instantly. I heard nothing besides a high-pitched tone ringing through my ears with excruciating pain. I focused to find guts covered around the area of the explosion. Soon enough the Tone wore off, and we continued through the storage room.

"Nice hit" Pete said to Jim

Jim didn't reply.

Around the corner, three more outlined creatures appeared over the Battlesuit Interface.

"Classified Names: Marauder, Basilisk, Dragoon", The Interface said.

We rose our Pulse Rifles, and pulled the trigger. Beams of Red shot from the barrel of the gun, and unexpectedly there was a sudden kick-back. I never noticed it on any of the other soldiers using it. My sights were on the 'Marauder', and It had jumped to the wall, and jumped back over my head. I fell over and shot upward, blasting it to pieces. I raised quickly to help Jim and Pete. The 'Basilisk', and 'Dragoon' were left. The basilisk clung to the walls, behind Pete and grabbed his legs. It bit away, as Pete hollered in pain.

"Owww!"

I rushed over to Pete, and slammed the 'Basilisk' to the ground. Pete stuck his Rifle to it's chest and fired.

We all turned over to the remaining creature which pounced, and knocked over Jim. We shot at it, but it was too late. The 'Dragoon' had ripped off Jim's right arm. He squealed in pain as blood had gushed out of the remaining part of his arm. The 'Dragoon' ran forward to me, lunging it's jaws to bite. I stepped backwards then smashed it in the snout with the grip of the Rifle. It was knocked backwards with the extra help of Pete's Rifle. It gave off a loud howl, as it collapsed to the ground.

I turned to find Jim, dead.

I sent in a call saying that Jim had passed, and we bagged him, but we had to keep moving. We reloaded our energy cells and ran farther down the room, destroying alien structures along the way.

"Battlesuit Interface Update Required" said the Suit.

"Downloading: 1%......20%.....54%....88%....99%...100%   Download: Complete"

Another hologram appeared following the completion of the download.

"We have Classified the alien structures from photos, and will appear when viewed, just as the Aliens, themselves", said the soldier.

Pete smirked, "Sick, bro"

[agkokogrubby]

eh...better. glad to see you took the 'spacing' advice

[mooseberry]

Please show, don't tell.

[DeathSkull]

Ok, that was much better. You used pretty good spacing, but there may have been parts where it wasn't needed. You were a bit more descriptive about the environment and actions that the characters took, but like mooseberry said: show, don't tell.

There is one major problem that I see, and I suffer from it too. It's called...


COMMA SYNDROME

Yep, the overuse of commas. There are quite a few commas in the wrong places, but overall there's just too many. Like someone told me recently, you don't always have to use a comma for a slight pause. Try and use them only where they're absolutely needed and for a significant pause (ellipses are good for those too). Experiment with : and ; as well as () and []. If worse comes to worse, the occasional semi-long sentence won't hurt either.

I have to definitely commend you on using the occasional word like "secular", a word I'm looking at using sometime myself. 

All in all, quite a bit better than your previous efforts, but can still use some polish before I'd call it a day. Keep it coming!

-Death

[ReapDaWrapper]

Yes I tend to add alot of comma's

EDIT: What do you mean when u wouldn't call it a day yet. Like, edit the chapter, or work on the next?