in another topic, i said i should make another topic for a storrymode, so this is what im thinking over the months.
I need permission from Conzul to use these names, if this somehow becomes the actual campaign
The year 2357. Not a complete sentence. Since Because the Sun was close to the supernova stage, Earth ruler Incredibly boring title Stephen Corrdino (Kyp The granger: Hal's grandson; peaceful and political man) decided extra spce to create a series of artificial planets before the star supernova's from planets and other debris from the milky way. This sentence is a bit awkwardly laid out. Actually, supernova is not a verb. He also decided to make the star also artificial by using superheated dark matter. (One possible sentence fix. It's incorrect (do not switch verb tenses mid paragraph without reason first of all) and awkward as is. Also, this only fixes this sentence directly. As a whole, it's pretty choppy writing, try mixing lengths.) The first 2 two planets were named Procyon and Gomeisa. The last, Sirius. Fairly effective, but not technically a complete sentence. By the time Sirius was created, they ran out of material so they Vague pronoun reference. In fact, incorrect, as the only noun capable of this you have named is a singular person. threw what they had laft left to create the "planetary junkyard" closest to the Ignis (The sun; google translate FTW). Unclear without the parenthetical statement, which is quite unprofessional. They had a bit of material left overr over, so they made pandora Capitalize proper nouns. This statement is unclear and does not make logical sense. If "they" ran out of material, how could they create anything more?. It had a extremely strong magnetic pulse so it was too dagerous to live on so it was launched away. Sloppy writing. Don't use so multiple times like that. You should also name your pronoun. Try "Pandora's magnetic pulse was so dangerous they (whoever "they" are in your story) were forced to launch it away. Besides, this also makes little physical sense, and is still choppy, one-statement-sentence writing. Nothinng Nothing was left when the sun went/became a supernova. Everything was perfect, except, no comma for one thing. The hivemind made everything perfectly. Conjoin sentences. Set up a clone of it and deactivaed himself until 10 years affter the aliens lost. No subject, not a sentence. Now, he swam threw the space abis "abyss" but it doesn't matter, you can't throw an abyss. onto, well, where else? Reread these last five sentences. They make absolutely no sense. You are rambling on with no logical connection and poorly constructed sentences. I have no idea if you were coherent during this part.
On a whole, this paragraph reads like sentences taken from a historical documentation (disregarding spelling and grammar errors) which is a boring way to write.
You are some 10 year old kid (cutscene) eating soup with your familiy. Suddenly, your mom chokes on soup, her face turns pale and blood starts dripping from her mouth, then she dies. it then flashes to you and your dad crying and he tells you to "kill all those mother******* aliens". Then it flashes forward to you in a redman college (you are now 17)(Conzul's Kyp The Granger Human Army)(if i spelt it right), where you are the 2nd best student in the class. You are sitting beside your girlfriend (all we need in a apocalypse is love 
). Then it flashes to you on a train, where you are sitting with a rifle and blaster with your friend (both now 18), who is training for a DPBS unit (Drop Pod Battle Suit), while you are army commander. Suddenly, you hear screaming from the conducters area, and the train stops. Everyone looks at eachother, some shift back. You andd your friend shift closer. Then, you hear gunshots, then another scream. All of the pasengeers move to the back of the bus. You and your friend stand up, an walk a couple 20 meters from the conducters door. The door bursts open in slow mo, and it stops cutscening. 3 Dretches burts from teh door. You shoot them, then you hear a swarm of more dretches comming from the back.
Your friend protects the civies while you turn on the train to the nearest station, Locus (More google translate FTW). You then evacuate all the civies from the bus, and then call the redman army. You have to hold the bus of dretches for 3 mins until reinforcement arrive. When they come, 5 troops and 22 builders come and set up a base, reactor and all. Then, you have to assault the bus using th armoury (S1), medi and many otehr stuff.
Writing moree latter if feedback is positive!
Ok, I just corrected the first paragraph, realized it took about half an hour, and lost all motivation to do any more. I will say second person "you" narrative like you start your second paragraph with is rarely effective, and is not in this example. See for example,
"Once in a Lifetime" by Jhumpa Lahiri for a successful example if you wish.
You shouldn't feel discouraged though. I noticed you wrote you will write more later if you receive positive feedback. I'm guessing you have a least a small amount of writing self-esteem issues, (nothing really wrong with this, you will grow more confident) but don't worry. If anything, you should feel
encouraged by this, as it gives you a chance to grow with your writing. If all you got were "good job"s, your writing would likely remain static. As unpleasant as it may be at times, (constructive) criticism is the best thing you can ever receive in terms of helping you develop a talent. So I say, as many fault as there may have been, keep writing. Don't care if people judge you, but feel good for yourself. Just don't use it as an excuse not to try to get better. More or less, the fan-fiction parts of this fora have been the most kind and constructive I have seen in this (generally insulting) place. If you want to discuss the general ideas of your story, feel free to do so here, I (and I bet others) will be glad to give feedback to try to help you figure out how to write your story. I'm mentioning this because, in addition to the spelling and grammar mistakes, your writing is mainly not coherent and the plot is pretty thinly basic. I would recommend moving away from fanfiction of fanfiction (?) and towards creating your own stories. Make an outline. Write the goal, some major plot points, and events. Fill it in a bit. Then start at the beginning and start writing, just going crazy trying to write the story along that outline. Don't worry if you get better ideas as you are writing though, you probably will. Don't feel constrained by your outline, it is there to help you. Some part isn't helping or you changed your mind on? Disregard it. Once you've got that all down, try to re-create an outline based on your writing you originally based on an outline (hopefully). Does that outline make sense as it stands alone? Is there a clear beginning, middle, and end? Is it clear? Is it entertaining? If not, rewrite. If so, fix grammar and spelling mistakes. Then post on forums. Writing is a great hobby to have and will always be relevant in your life. I will be brutally honest. What you have here is not very good. But please don't feel insulted, discouraged, or worst of all, attacked. I wouldn't have written all of this if I didn't want to help. Internalize my comments, and try to use them to improve your next writing. When you have, post something new. I can provide feedback on that too, as can others.
Anyways. tl;dr (but please, please, do read, this is just to set the main points again to you in case you got lost)
- There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. (These you will hopefully get better at addressing yourself, and can always be fixed later.)
- Don't give up.
-Your next step is the planning. Figure out what you actually want to say. What do you want to happen? Get that all down. You want to stay open enough to surprise yourself, but you really don't want to run yourself into a wall. Outlining is immensely useful. Think of how novels you like are laid out. Don't copy the plot, but try using some organization. You can try borrowing some writing style if you like too. You will develop your own over time.
- Work on learning conventions of writing along with spelling and grammar. There are many places to learn this. Internet and meatspace.
-Keep writing, always. Good luck!
